Recently Vivian has been wholeheartedly embracing her second year. And terrible doesn't seem an adequate adjective to describe this phase. I think that it should be called the Sucky Second Year, Traumatizing Two's, or my favorite Tube Tying Two's.
But the point is that nothing you do changes the two year old's behavior. NOTHING. So for a year you can go nuts by setting boundaries, spending the majority of your day waiting for the two year old to get out of time out or do what I do...try a new parenting technique.
It goes like this:
Tantrum begins for no apparent reason. You know for certain that you will snap because the crying is maddening. There are no breaks - just the breaking of your spirit and sanity. So before you do something crazy you need to change your approach. As you see the two year old gearing up for a tantrum say very quickly:
"OK sweetheart, I want you to scream very loudly while kicking and thrashing on the floor."
Tantrum begins and you have just had your two year old obey you. So now you can congratulate yourself for being the parent of an obedient two year old. Not many moms can say they have done this. Gone are the hours of self loathing for being unable to control your child.
Lets say you're at a restaurant (why the hell did you take your two year old to a restaurant?!?!?!) and the tantrum is eminent, so say loudly, "Be bad and throw your food. Kick and scream. Cry and yell." Now the non-breeders won't stare at you with disgust for leaving your house and subjecting them to your offspring. Oh no, they will see that you alone are able to have your child do exactly what you ask.
Its so liberating. You feel accomplished and full of joy...and a little insane, but that feeling never leaves you once you become a parent. My technique really does wonders for your brain and mood.
Are you going to try it?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
A conversation with my body...
Dear Body,
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The Offspring
It has come to my attention that some of you would like to see the kiddos. First, I must warn you they are cute. Because they are cute it makes my stories harder to believe. Don't let those sweet faces fool you, my kids are a bundle of trouble x 1010
I wish Vivian looked that his all the time, but in reality she has pulled her "tig tail" out, has snot constantly coming out her nose, and drool has soaked her clothing through. Add a little high pitched screaming and you have Vivian in her true state.
You have been warned...
 |
| Mr. "Oh, you're having a good day...I can fix that" Flip |
Notice the dog. She would like to leave since she is afraid of the miniature adults, but Flip has a good grip on her collar. Shortly after this picture was taken I released the dog.
This picture is really of a 5 year old. He looks pensive and mature, but there is a lot of boy behind that face!
 |
| Miss. "Why say it when you can scream it" Vivian |
She really does look like a sweetheart here, and she can be. Vivian just spaces the sweet moments far apart so she can get her daily screaming in.
So there you have it...my beloved, crazy children.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
New Obsession
PINTEREST! I love it. I think I'm going to marry it. Its fabulous, absolutely fabulous. Pinning is almost better than chocolate - almost.
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Midday Meltdown
To those non-parents that read my blog the Midday Meltdown phenomenon is an everyday occurrence in our household. Feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for me...oh yeah, and the kids too. Feel sorry for them because although I am a season mom, I lack the skills to see the warning signs.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Summer Wedding
This July Dexter, Flip and I went to New Mexico to watch my oldest sister, Buffy, get hitched. Seriously, when you think weddings, don't you immediately think of New Mexico. Apparently my sister does...
We decided to leave Vivian with the in-laws because destination weddings aren't her thing. She probably would have had fun, but there was something about bringing a two year old on a three and half hour flight, two hour drive and then hanging out for three days on desert ranch that just didn't feel right.
Flip was ecstatic about his first plane ride. He wore his jeans and cowboy boots that we bought for the wedding and didn't let go of his dad's hand while we checked in and went through security. Of course, as soon as we got on the plane, Dexter found a seat by a quiet adult and snoozed the entire flight while I got to convince Flip to stay seated for three and a half hours. This is unnatural for a five year old therefore it was difficult for me. I did have my other sister, Bitsy, to help with what I call Operation Entertainment/Containment. We had books to read, stickers to stick, colors to color with, but somebody in our traveling party thought that candy was a good snack for an already overly energetic boy. So to be kind to all the passengers on board, I ate the candy. Flip would not have done well after access to all that candy. Of course Flip had lots of great kid questions:
Flip: Mom, are we flying higher than a dinosaur?
Me: Yes.
Flip: Are we close to heaven?
Me: I don't know.
Flip: Why not?
Me: Because I have never been there.
Flip: What happens if the wings break off?
Me: They won't break off.
Flip: How do you know that?
...and so it went all the way to Albuquerque. We were on the road after feeding the boys (Dexter was hungry after all that napping and Flip was hungry since I ate all the candy) and making a necessary stop at Wal Mart. We were informed by Buffy that the ranch was completely off the beaten path so we had to gather up supplies before heading into Billy the Kid country.
Once we arrive in Carrizozo (population 18, us included) Buffy meets us at the Rainbow Inn (I'm not kidding) and we crash. The next day we are up way too early since we were still on Eastern time, so we stumble over to a really great coffee shop which immediately became our favorite place. But once Buffy arrives and has had her cup of Joe, we are off the the ranch to clean up and set up.
A few days work by the Randerson sisters will make a desert ranch look like someplace you want to get married...at least we hope that was the case for Buffy. The wedding was lovely, the people were awesome and the wind made the desert feel more comfortable than Hotlanta. There are a few things we learned on our trip that I would like to share with you in case you are looking into a destination wedding in New Mexico:
1. There is a lot of dirt and sand in the desert.
2. Wild horses do NOT like watermelon, Doritos or your company.
3. If you don't like Mexican food, then you probably won't like the food in Carrizozo.
4. Watch out for poop and snakes.
We decided to leave Vivian with the in-laws because destination weddings aren't her thing. She probably would have had fun, but there was something about bringing a two year old on a three and half hour flight, two hour drive and then hanging out for three days on desert ranch that just didn't feel right.
Flip was ecstatic about his first plane ride. He wore his jeans and cowboy boots that we bought for the wedding and didn't let go of his dad's hand while we checked in and went through security. Of course, as soon as we got on the plane, Dexter found a seat by a quiet adult and snoozed the entire flight while I got to convince Flip to stay seated for three and a half hours. This is unnatural for a five year old therefore it was difficult for me. I did have my other sister, Bitsy, to help with what I call Operation Entertainment/Containment. We had books to read, stickers to stick, colors to color with, but somebody in our traveling party thought that candy was a good snack for an already overly energetic boy. So to be kind to all the passengers on board, I ate the candy. Flip would not have done well after access to all that candy. Of course Flip had lots of great kid questions:
Flip: Mom, are we flying higher than a dinosaur?
Me: Yes.
Flip: Are we close to heaven?
Me: I don't know.
Flip: Why not?
Me: Because I have never been there.
Flip: What happens if the wings break off?
Me: They won't break off.
Flip: How do you know that?
...and so it went all the way to Albuquerque. We were on the road after feeding the boys (Dexter was hungry after all that napping and Flip was hungry since I ate all the candy) and making a necessary stop at Wal Mart. We were informed by Buffy that the ranch was completely off the beaten path so we had to gather up supplies before heading into Billy the Kid country.
Once we arrive in Carrizozo (population 18, us included) Buffy meets us at the Rainbow Inn (I'm not kidding) and we crash. The next day we are up way too early since we were still on Eastern time, so we stumble over to a really great coffee shop which immediately became our favorite place. But once Buffy arrives and has had her cup of Joe, we are off the the ranch to clean up and set up. A few days work by the Randerson sisters will make a desert ranch look like someplace you want to get married...at least we hope that was the case for Buffy. The wedding was lovely, the people were awesome and the wind made the desert feel more comfortable than Hotlanta. There are a few things we learned on our trip that I would like to share with you in case you are looking into a destination wedding in New Mexico:
1. There is a lot of dirt and sand in the desert.
2. Wild horses do NOT like watermelon, Doritos or your company.
3. If you don't like Mexican food, then you probably won't like the food in Carrizozo.
4. Watch out for poop and snakes.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Fwimmin'
So we joined a neighborhood pool which was the best decision we have made in like a decade. Every other day the kids and I would swim for a few hours. It turns out that swimming will really wear them out. On the days that they swam bedtime came a lot sooner. The kids tan very well. They just think about the sun and their skin starts to bronze. This is not a trait they inherited from their pale, red headed mother. So by the middle of the summer they could go without sun screen, but I have to lather up with 50 SPF no matter what time of day or season we are in. This annoyed them a little to have to wait that whole extra 2 minutes while I got ready.
"Mom, Come on!"
I have NO idea where they learned to talk like that. Really I don't. Every time we went to the pool we would stock up on water toys, floaties and food. The toys were for the kids to fight over, the floaties were so the kids wouldn't drown and the food was to stick in their mouths when they started complaining. Really. But not really.
Flip is actually a good swimmer. Dexter has coaxed into diving enough that now he will show off to anyone who asks. He will dive down and get the little torpedo toys too. I think I will sign him up for the swim team next year.
Vivian was nervous at first, but once she figured out how fun it was she would jump in as soon as I released her. She would kick and use her little arms while announcing rather loudly, "I fwimming!" I know I am biased but she really is the cutest little girl.
I like my kids. I really do. But I am tired. The summer was fun, but it was non-stop entertaining them. That being said, I like my kids in school. I really do.
"Mom, Come on!"
I have NO idea where they learned to talk like that. Really I don't. Every time we went to the pool we would stock up on water toys, floaties and food. The toys were for the kids to fight over, the floaties were so the kids wouldn't drown and the food was to stick in their mouths when they started complaining. Really. But not really.
Flip is actually a good swimmer. Dexter has coaxed into diving enough that now he will show off to anyone who asks. He will dive down and get the little torpedo toys too. I think I will sign him up for the swim team next year.
Vivian was nervous at first, but once she figured out how fun it was she would jump in as soon as I released her. She would kick and use her little arms while announcing rather loudly, "I fwimming!" I know I am biased but she really is the cutest little girl.
I like my kids. I really do. But I am tired. The summer was fun, but it was non-stop entertaining them. That being said, I like my kids in school. I really do.
A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day
Do you remember that book? I do! Alexander really did have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Older siblings and kissing on TV can do that to a little boy, I suppose. Poor kid. I just so happened to have one of those days this week. Not older sibling problems or kissing on TV problems - REAL problems.
It started like any normal day...I was woken up before I really preferred to get up. I walked to the kitchen trying to shake off my morning stupor. Then I fixed the kids some breakfast, nagged them till they ate it then argued over outfits before I was able to get them dressed. Bur that's when the normalcy stopped...
I took the kids to school and left them there...so I was alone in the car...then I got home and donned my swimsuit...then I drove to pool...once I was situated on the lounge chair I read entire pages of my book without interruption...when I felt hungry I walked up to the poolside restaurant...I ordered my food and called Dexter to scare him. This is how it went:
Me: Dexter, guess what I'm doing (I honestly thought I could hear him typing in the our bank account website to see how much I had just spent and where)?
Dexter: Oh, no Vicki! What did you do? What did you buy? How much was it?
Me: I bought lunch.
Dexter: That's it? No therapy shopping?
Me: Nope, I just wanted to call and let you know I was at the pool, eating lunch.
I didn't mean to rub it in since he was in his dreary office on such a lovely day. OK, who am I kidding, I really did want to rub it in. I'm that kinda girl. After that thrilling conversation I left soaked up some more sun then left at my leisure. It was so nice.
So it wasn't really a bad day - well, it was for someone, just not me. Now that school is back in session, I finally get my vacation!
It started like any normal day...I was woken up before I really preferred to get up. I walked to the kitchen trying to shake off my morning stupor. Then I fixed the kids some breakfast, nagged them till they ate it then argued over outfits before I was able to get them dressed. Bur that's when the normalcy stopped...
I took the kids to school and left them there...so I was alone in the car...then I got home and donned my swimsuit...then I drove to pool...once I was situated on the lounge chair I read entire pages of my book without interruption...when I felt hungry I walked up to the poolside restaurant...I ordered my food and called Dexter to scare him. This is how it went:
Me: Dexter, guess what I'm doing (I honestly thought I could hear him typing in the our bank account website to see how much I had just spent and where)?
Dexter: Oh, no Vicki! What did you do? What did you buy? How much was it?
Me: I bought lunch.
Dexter: That's it? No therapy shopping?
Me: Nope, I just wanted to call and let you know I was at the pool, eating lunch.
I didn't mean to rub it in since he was in his dreary office on such a lovely day. OK, who am I kidding, I really did want to rub it in. I'm that kinda girl. After that thrilling conversation I left soaked up some more sun then left at my leisure. It was so nice.
So it wasn't really a bad day - well, it was for someone, just not me. Now that school is back in session, I finally get my vacation!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Party Pooper
"Hi my name is Vicki and I am a Pyramid Scheme Party Pooper."
"Hi Vicki."
"I like parties without agendas. I like parties with friends (and booze). I like parties with conversations not presentations. No, I don't like to bring my checkbook to parties - it won't fit in my sparkly evening bag. I don't want to see how this bowl will make my life better. I don't want to see how this creme will make my zits disappear. I don't want to see how this new fruit juice will make my day longer while seeming shorter and loose ten pounds in the process. NO NO NO! I want to feel comfortable, not obligated. And I would not like to "host" a "party." So please stop asking. And believe me, you won't make $1,000+ a month selling this way because a lot of other people feel the same way as me...they are also poor like me. Thank you."
"Thank you for sharing Vicki."
"Hi Vicki."
"I like parties without agendas. I like parties with friends (and booze). I like parties with conversations not presentations. No, I don't like to bring my checkbook to parties - it won't fit in my sparkly evening bag. I don't want to see how this bowl will make my life better. I don't want to see how this creme will make my zits disappear. I don't want to see how this new fruit juice will make my day longer while seeming shorter and loose ten pounds in the process. NO NO NO! I want to feel comfortable, not obligated. And I would not like to "host" a "party." So please stop asking. And believe me, you won't make $1,000+ a month selling this way because a lot of other people feel the same way as me...they are also poor like me. Thank you."
"Thank you for sharing Vicki."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tips for Traveling
When you have toddlers and plan to travel, you need to get some serious advice and a plan of action before heading out. Here is my advice to you...
DON'T. They won't remember. You will. They will cry. You will want to. They will not have fun. Neither will you. They won't make any new friends. You will make 253 new enemies by the end of your flight.
So before you spend tons of money on tickets, tons of energy on getting kids to sit and be quiet, tons of brain cells on the heavy drinking that is surely to follow, just go to the store, get a plastic kiddy pool and a ocean waves CD. They will think they are at the beach! Or get a stuffed Mickey Mouse toy and ride a city bus around, then take pictures in front of different things. There, instant Disney World!
You will have more fun and they kids seriously won't know the difference. It will also make for hilarious scrapbooking!
DON'T. They won't remember. You will. They will cry. You will want to. They will not have fun. Neither will you. They won't make any new friends. You will make 253 new enemies by the end of your flight.
So before you spend tons of money on tickets, tons of energy on getting kids to sit and be quiet, tons of brain cells on the heavy drinking that is surely to follow, just go to the store, get a plastic kiddy pool and a ocean waves CD. They will think they are at the beach! Or get a stuffed Mickey Mouse toy and ride a city bus around, then take pictures in front of different things. There, instant Disney World!
You will have more fun and they kids seriously won't know the difference. It will also make for hilarious scrapbooking!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Disturbing Trend
So I recently had to go shopping for some new shirts. After I had each kid my body was different. After I finally finished nursing my body was even more different. Basically, I have had to shop A LOT in the past few years. After loosing the last few pounds of baby weight (shut up, I am perfectly aware the Vivian is almost 2) I found myself in the closet crying on Sunday morning because I had nothing to wear. Dexter didn't believe me, so I tried on everything he suggested. Every outfit hung in places it shouldn't and clung in places that wasn't so flattering. So it wasn't a typical woman in the closet meltdown. It was real...sincere...annoying (especially for Dexter).
So off to the store I went. I shop in an odd way. I pick up everything I could possibly want and then as I head to the checkout I replace things on the rack as feelings of guilt from spending too much money overwhelm me. Then once I check out with 2 shirts instead of twenty I go home and leave them in the bag in case I need to return one more to sooth my still guilty conscious. Its a vicious cycle.
I did end up finding some shirts that I liked. Cute tops that I could throw a cardigan over to make them work appropriate. I was wearing one last night though and noticed how if I leaned over the slightest bit I was virtually giving a peep show. I got home and tried on another and moved around to simulate the normal movements I repeat all day (bending over picking up toys or mid-tantrum kids off the floor). The same result...too low cut. And I know its not me - my boobs didn't miraculously go back to their pre-motherhood position. This is a disturbing trend. I either have to wear the clothes that are too tight but not low cut or the correct fitting yet low cut variety. Its not really a win-win situation.
I guess I could take up sewing since I am a Little Miss Susie Homemaker and just mend them in my spare time!
So off to the store I went. I shop in an odd way. I pick up everything I could possibly want and then as I head to the checkout I replace things on the rack as feelings of guilt from spending too much money overwhelm me. Then once I check out with 2 shirts instead of twenty I go home and leave them in the bag in case I need to return one more to sooth my still guilty conscious. Its a vicious cycle.
I did end up finding some shirts that I liked. Cute tops that I could throw a cardigan over to make them work appropriate. I was wearing one last night though and noticed how if I leaned over the slightest bit I was virtually giving a peep show. I got home and tried on another and moved around to simulate the normal movements I repeat all day (bending over picking up toys or mid-tantrum kids off the floor). The same result...too low cut. And I know its not me - my boobs didn't miraculously go back to their pre-motherhood position. This is a disturbing trend. I either have to wear the clothes that are too tight but not low cut or the correct fitting yet low cut variety. Its not really a win-win situation.
I guess I could take up sewing since I am a Little Miss Susie Homemaker and just mend them in my spare time!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Call the Movers, We're Going on Vacation
Its summertime, well not yet, but close enough. I am sadly counting down the last days of school. But I have some stuff planned to keep me and the kids busy - because busy kids aren't bad kids and busy moms yell less! As I plan the weekends away and more extensive vacations I am a little daunted by the thought of all the packing. When you have two kids it literally seems as though we are packing up the house.
This past weekend I got a taste of packing for four. We decided to stay overnight at my dad's house so Dexter could be closer to the soccer fields he had games scheduled at the next morning. A win-win situation really, the kids got to see their grandfather and Dexter didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn for once.
The change of venue was great. The kids had fun, the pool was open and my dad had them help with some landscaping by digging holes in the ground. We were there for less than 24 hours, but my Honda Pilot was packed!
The dog and her food, the kids and their bags, diapers, wipes, 2 bikes, woofle balls and bats, shoes, swim suits, towels, water toys and noodles, play cars, a few dinosaurs, a Barbie, plastic pony, medicine, pacifiers, sippy cups, snacks for the hour drive, my bag, Dexter's bags and soccer gear (including cones) and a partridge in a pear tree. This took me a total of 3 hours to organize, pack and get in the car.
The amazing thing is it all fit. The great thing is while repacking before we left, it still fit (its hard to replicate the perfectly packed trunk). The crazy thing is thinking about packing for more than one night...I may need a bigger car.
This past weekend I got a taste of packing for four. We decided to stay overnight at my dad's house so Dexter could be closer to the soccer fields he had games scheduled at the next morning. A win-win situation really, the kids got to see their grandfather and Dexter didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn for once.
The change of venue was great. The kids had fun, the pool was open and my dad had them help with some landscaping by digging holes in the ground. We were there for less than 24 hours, but my Honda Pilot was packed!
The dog and her food, the kids and their bags, diapers, wipes, 2 bikes, woofle balls and bats, shoes, swim suits, towels, water toys and noodles, play cars, a few dinosaurs, a Barbie, plastic pony, medicine, pacifiers, sippy cups, snacks for the hour drive, my bag, Dexter's bags and soccer gear (including cones) and a partridge in a pear tree. This took me a total of 3 hours to organize, pack and get in the car.
The amazing thing is it all fit. The great thing is while repacking before we left, it still fit (its hard to replicate the perfectly packed trunk). The crazy thing is thinking about packing for more than one night...I may need a bigger car.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Daddy's Soccer Game
Dexter loves soccer. He was playing about the time he started walking. He coaches it and once a week the coaches team up and and play each other. Every week he asks us to come and every week I am in my right mind and make up an excuse.
But once a season, I say yes thinking that this time it will be different. This time the kids will watch the game on the sidelines. This time the kids will understand and not cry uncontrollably when I tell them that they cannot go onto the field to be with Daddy. This time they will not kick any soccer balls on the field so that they game must be stopped.
Yesterday's game was not this time. We went because we had hardly seen Dexter all week. As the soccer season approaches the end there are more practices, more games, more tournaments and less Dexter. So a cheer went up in the car as we headed to the fields instead of straight home after church.
Loaded up with snacks, drinks and a few toys we head to the field to go see Daddy play. That's when it went down hill. Vivian wanted to run around the parking lot and Flip already spotted Daddy. Neither would listen and come stay with me. Vivian got sand in her shoes and had to take them off, Flip brought his whistle and blew it in my ear the entire shoe removal process. The lines on the field were barely visible from a full weekend of games so Flip decided to cross it and every time he did the referee let me know. Vivian colored for a little bit before devouring her crayons and then crying because they were wet and unusable. She then cried more when she spilled her water on her pants. A few drops is enough for an all out melt down. Flip and Vivian found a few extra soccer balls and were certain the players needed more on the field, so they kicked them out towards the middle. Then they fussed and cried because I wouldn't let them retrieve the balls or go see Daddy.
Basically the fun night ended with me watching the kids who were outside the fenced in field literally on the ground crying for their dad. Sadly, none of us really had a chance to watch the game. As soon as the final whistle blew, I released the kids to their dad and headed to the car by myself.
This experience will stay fresh in my memory until the end of next season when I will try again...
But once a season, I say yes thinking that this time it will be different. This time the kids will watch the game on the sidelines. This time the kids will understand and not cry uncontrollably when I tell them that they cannot go onto the field to be with Daddy. This time they will not kick any soccer balls on the field so that they game must be stopped.
Yesterday's game was not this time. We went because we had hardly seen Dexter all week. As the soccer season approaches the end there are more practices, more games, more tournaments and less Dexter. So a cheer went up in the car as we headed to the fields instead of straight home after church.
Loaded up with snacks, drinks and a few toys we head to the field to go see Daddy play. That's when it went down hill. Vivian wanted to run around the parking lot and Flip already spotted Daddy. Neither would listen and come stay with me. Vivian got sand in her shoes and had to take them off, Flip brought his whistle and blew it in my ear the entire shoe removal process. The lines on the field were barely visible from a full weekend of games so Flip decided to cross it and every time he did the referee let me know. Vivian colored for a little bit before devouring her crayons and then crying because they were wet and unusable. She then cried more when she spilled her water on her pants. A few drops is enough for an all out melt down. Flip and Vivian found a few extra soccer balls and were certain the players needed more on the field, so they kicked them out towards the middle. Then they fussed and cried because I wouldn't let them retrieve the balls or go see Daddy.
Basically the fun night ended with me watching the kids who were outside the fenced in field literally on the ground crying for their dad. Sadly, none of us really had a chance to watch the game. As soon as the final whistle blew, I released the kids to their dad and headed to the car by myself.
This experience will stay fresh in my memory until the end of next season when I will try again...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monster Bowl
We have a cute little plastic plate and bowl set that the kids use all the time. It has a monster theme and the silly pictures are all over. The bowl has just one large picture on the bottom and every time Vivian picks out that bowl to use she points at the monster and says "Mama!"
I'm not certain if she is referring to our similar looks or more to a personality thing...
I'm not certain if she is referring to our similar looks or more to a personality thing...
The Royal Wedding
No, I didn't watch it. I have a life. No, scratch that. I have no life, I have kids. Who had time to watch the wedding? Moms of older kids, women who are not moms and men who wish they were women.
No, no, I was sleeping. Catching up on my rest before another marathon day with a toddler embracing her terrible twos and a five year old who is regressing back to them. They do everything together. Its sweet, really it is...I have to keep a constant stream of positive thoughts going in my head.
Another reason I did NOT watch it is because IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I WAS MEANT FOR WILLIAM AND ROYALTY AND TIARAS AND A NANNY FOR THE KIDS! ME ME ME (tantrum tactics learned from Vivian)!
Did you have time to watch it? Did you drink tea and wear a hat while you did?
No, no, I was sleeping. Catching up on my rest before another marathon day with a toddler embracing her terrible twos and a five year old who is regressing back to them. They do everything together. Its sweet, really it is...I have to keep a constant stream of positive thoughts going in my head.
Another reason I did NOT watch it is because IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I WAS MEANT FOR WILLIAM AND ROYALTY AND TIARAS AND A NANNY FOR THE KIDS! ME ME ME (tantrum tactics learned from Vivian)!
Did you have time to watch it? Did you drink tea and wear a hat while you did?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Out of the Mouths of Babes
I love my son's simplified view of the world. At five he has already discovered some truths that many adults have yet to realize. Recently Flip has been copying Vivian's rebellion that parents refer to as the Terrible Twos. Apparently Flip wants to revert back to the Dark Ages - that's how I remember his rebellion.
I was getting on to him again and he eventually surrendered in the form of the crumpled cry (where the child's limbs give out and then crumple to the ground while scrunching their face and emitting horrible sounds and copious amounts of tears). VICTORY! Its actually not my goal to reach this outcome, they both do it all on their own.
After he calms down Flip tells me, "Mom, I don't know why I do bad stuff, the world gives me bad stuff and I just do it." To which I respond, "Well, were do good things come from?" "From God and Jesus," he states. Wow! He is only 5 and he has figured out what took me years. But that's not it, he sums it up like this: "If you want good things and not bad things then you have to ask Jesus."
There you have it.
I was getting on to him again and he eventually surrendered in the form of the crumpled cry (where the child's limbs give out and then crumple to the ground while scrunching their face and emitting horrible sounds and copious amounts of tears). VICTORY! Its actually not my goal to reach this outcome, they both do it all on their own.
After he calms down Flip tells me, "Mom, I don't know why I do bad stuff, the world gives me bad stuff and I just do it." To which I respond, "Well, were do good things come from?" "From God and Jesus," he states. Wow! He is only 5 and he has figured out what took me years. But that's not it, he sums it up like this: "If you want good things and not bad things then you have to ask Jesus."
There you have it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Small Talk and Other Things
If you love to talk then parenthood is an excellent pastime for you. If you like to be loud or perhaps making strange noises to get reactions is your specialty, then seriously, consider parenthood! Maybe you are forgetful so you often find yourself repeating information over and over again, if this is already your lifestyle then adding parenting to your list will be a breeze.
If your a slob then try parenthood. If you enjoy the illusion of control then parenthood may be right for you. If you are consistent and the idea of a 18-22 year long project sounds like your cup of tea, then I suggest having a child.
Now, if you are immature and easily angered don't try this at home! If you are selfish or have ADD, I suggest getting a pet first (start with a fish) before trying out for a kid. If you loose your temper a lot, then parenthood will only hone in that skill. If you are mild mannered and have a long fuse then you can say goodbye to that as soon as your kids start walking and talking. If you like to drink then nothing will really change once you have kids. If you enjoy peace and quiet then you're better off not bothering with kids.
If you are crazy, then you will have more than one child.
If your a slob then try parenthood. If you enjoy the illusion of control then parenthood may be right for you. If you are consistent and the idea of a 18-22 year long project sounds like your cup of tea, then I suggest having a child.
Now, if you are immature and easily angered don't try this at home! If you are selfish or have ADD, I suggest getting a pet first (start with a fish) before trying out for a kid. If you loose your temper a lot, then parenthood will only hone in that skill. If you are mild mannered and have a long fuse then you can say goodbye to that as soon as your kids start walking and talking. If you like to drink then nothing will really change once you have kids. If you enjoy peace and quiet then you're better off not bothering with kids.
If you are crazy, then you will have more than one child.
Monday, April 25, 2011
As seen on TV!
There are stories you hear and you think there is no way that really happened. Well this story may not be that fantastic, but it was certainly comical...
After an evening walk, Dexter let the dog off the leash and I went to water my garden. Flip went across the street to talk to a neighbor with Dexter and I thought Vivian had followed me. Of course, she didn't.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of movement. I turned to see Vivian climbing in her stroller as it is barrelling down the driveway - the brake had failed! I screamed and Dexter turned to see what was the matter. We both break out into a run to get her before she rolls into the street.
Before either of us can reach her the stroller slams into the mailbox. Saving her from rolling into the street was its final, noble act. Vivian cried but only because she was scared. I blamed Dexter for not paying more attention because that's my favorite thing to do. And the mailbox was retired - which is really the best part of the story. It was on my list of things to replace when we bought our house since it was hideous. A nice happy ending, don't you think?
After an evening walk, Dexter let the dog off the leash and I went to water my garden. Flip went across the street to talk to a neighbor with Dexter and I thought Vivian had followed me. Of course, she didn't.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of movement. I turned to see Vivian climbing in her stroller as it is barrelling down the driveway - the brake had failed! I screamed and Dexter turned to see what was the matter. We both break out into a run to get her before she rolls into the street.
Before either of us can reach her the stroller slams into the mailbox. Saving her from rolling into the street was its final, noble act. Vivian cried but only because she was scared. I blamed Dexter for not paying more attention because that's my favorite thing to do. And the mailbox was retired - which is really the best part of the story. It was on my list of things to replace when we bought our house since it was hideous. A nice happy ending, don't you think?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Car seat, Schmar seat
I was driving down the road fast because I had already dropped Flip off at preschool and realized I forgot something. I turn around and then I hear it...THE CRY. I know that cry because the sound has been burned into my memory. It is the siren that goes off before the flood gates open. And I know what is coming after it...VOMIT, lots of it.
Poor Vivian hardly touched her breakfast and now I know why. But knowing why isn't that satisfactory because I also knew I was going to be cleaning up barf. She did it for a good 45 seconds. And as I tried to control my gag reflex long enough to get home I wondered where it all came from since she didn't eat much that morning.
While I suppressed the urge to up-chuck myself, I got Vivian out and took her to the bath. She cried and cried. Poor kid, she must have felt horrible. After she was cleaned and dressed I went to the car. Gosh it reeked. I was saying lots of bad words about the inhumanly tight harness that secured the seat. I finally got the seat out and thinking the hard part was through was a little relieved.
Oh, but no the hard part was getting the cover off the car seat. Once again I discovered I had bought a baby item that was designed by someone who has never had a child or perhaps a man that paid little attention to his. The cover would not come off. I tried and tried, but it wouldn't stretch or give. I pried a little portion off the seat and saw why...it is sown on.
What kind of idiot doesn't foresee the need to remove and wash these things? SERIOUSLY! Eventually I gave up and got the scissors and cut the material away from the plastic backing. I bleached that sucker and hosed off the plastic part.
Vivian is fine now. In fact she bounced right back after a nap. I cant say the same for the car seat cover. I probably will have to sow on some snaps to fasten it back properly. What a great idea...snaps on baby items for easy removal. Works on Onsies and car seats!
I need to patten this...
Poor Vivian hardly touched her breakfast and now I know why. But knowing why isn't that satisfactory because I also knew I was going to be cleaning up barf. She did it for a good 45 seconds. And as I tried to control my gag reflex long enough to get home I wondered where it all came from since she didn't eat much that morning.
While I suppressed the urge to up-chuck myself, I got Vivian out and took her to the bath. She cried and cried. Poor kid, she must have felt horrible. After she was cleaned and dressed I went to the car. Gosh it reeked. I was saying lots of bad words about the inhumanly tight harness that secured the seat. I finally got the seat out and thinking the hard part was through was a little relieved.
Oh, but no the hard part was getting the cover off the car seat. Once again I discovered I had bought a baby item that was designed by someone who has never had a child or perhaps a man that paid little attention to his. The cover would not come off. I tried and tried, but it wouldn't stretch or give. I pried a little portion off the seat and saw why...it is sown on.
What kind of idiot doesn't foresee the need to remove and wash these things? SERIOUSLY! Eventually I gave up and got the scissors and cut the material away from the plastic backing. I bleached that sucker and hosed off the plastic part.
Vivian is fine now. In fact she bounced right back after a nap. I cant say the same for the car seat cover. I probably will have to sow on some snaps to fasten it back properly. What a great idea...snaps on baby items for easy removal. Works on Onsies and car seats!
I need to patten this...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
More Spring Stories
While Spring is my favorite season, I think its the least favorite for every one else in my family. And I can sum it up with one word: BOOGERS! Their allergies are horrible. Even Vivian is on three types of allergy medicine everyday.
Flip looks as though he is crying all the time. His eyes just water up all day and I doubt its because he finally has grasped the sadness of the movie Bambi. And Dexter, well he reverts back to his childhood when he gets sick. Its infuriating really. I tell him I have two snotty kids to deal with so he shouldn't add to it. I did finally schedule a doctors appointment for him, but that is the extent of me mothering him.
Vivian sees me heading for the tissue box and starts running and crying. I really should invest in paper companies. Families with toddles keep those businesses in the black - kleenex, wipes, diapers, paper towels. We have money set aside every month for incidentals. Its sits in an envelope labeled "incidentals." Gosh, aren't I creative? I think I shall relabel it "paper products" either that or "Dexter's dry cleaning."
Sorry, I got off track. So she sees me go for the tissue and I chase her down and and wrestle her to submission. "BLOW!" She does, she also cries - loudly. This is why I wait till the green 11 is all the way down to her lips...its just such a hassle and I have been wiping noses for months now, so trust me it gets old. To get Vivian to stop crying I just say "BOOGERS!" The crocodile tears cease immediately and she happily inspects that glob of snot she just blew out.
Kids have an uncanny ability to amaze and irritate me simultaneously.
Flip looks as though he is crying all the time. His eyes just water up all day and I doubt its because he finally has grasped the sadness of the movie Bambi. And Dexter, well he reverts back to his childhood when he gets sick. Its infuriating really. I tell him I have two snotty kids to deal with so he shouldn't add to it. I did finally schedule a doctors appointment for him, but that is the extent of me mothering him.
Vivian sees me heading for the tissue box and starts running and crying. I really should invest in paper companies. Families with toddles keep those businesses in the black - kleenex, wipes, diapers, paper towels. We have money set aside every month for incidentals. Its sits in an envelope labeled "incidentals." Gosh, aren't I creative? I think I shall relabel it "paper products" either that or "Dexter's dry cleaning."
Sorry, I got off track. So she sees me go for the tissue and I chase her down and and wrestle her to submission. "BLOW!" She does, she also cries - loudly. This is why I wait till the green 11 is all the way down to her lips...its just such a hassle and I have been wiping noses for months now, so trust me it gets old. To get Vivian to stop crying I just say "BOOGERS!" The crocodile tears cease immediately and she happily inspects that glob of snot she just blew out.
Kids have an uncanny ability to amaze and irritate me simultaneously.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Spring stories
Spring is in the air! I love the Spring, the flowers, the birds, the weather. I don't know why, but I love to garden. I guess I come by it honestly since gardening has been the passtime for family members on both sides.
Yesterday as I was cleaning up the front flower bed and planting some things I looked over to see the differences in my two kids. Flip is taking rocks and trying to hit bummble bees as they fly by. I tried to warn him not to make insects with stingers mad...but I suppose he will have to learn that the hard way because the rocks kept wizzing through the air. Completely opposite of the destructive nature that all humans with the Y chromosone seem to prossess was sweet, little Vivian in her flowery dress. She stayed next to me jabbering away. She would throw dirt on the newly planted flowers - copying me - and then bend over to smell them.
It was too cute. Both my kids and yet two completely different people. Flip does take some interest in gardening when it comes time to water my plants. This is more about getting the dog, his sister and himself soaked than really giving the plants a good drink, but I do like it when he participates.
Yesterday as I was cleaning up the front flower bed and planting some things I looked over to see the differences in my two kids. Flip is taking rocks and trying to hit bummble bees as they fly by. I tried to warn him not to make insects with stingers mad...but I suppose he will have to learn that the hard way because the rocks kept wizzing through the air. Completely opposite of the destructive nature that all humans with the Y chromosone seem to prossess was sweet, little Vivian in her flowery dress. She stayed next to me jabbering away. She would throw dirt on the newly planted flowers - copying me - and then bend over to smell them.
It was too cute. Both my kids and yet two completely different people. Flip does take some interest in gardening when it comes time to water my plants. This is more about getting the dog, his sister and himself soaked than really giving the plants a good drink, but I do like it when he participates.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
To watch or not to watch
We have a DVR. Originally, Dexter approached me with the idea of getting one. His argument was that he could record his shows and watch them once the kids are in bed. It sounded just PERFECT! So we got the DVR for an extra $50/month. And Dexter did record shows to watch them later. But he also is watching a lot more since he can record shows simultaneously. While the amount of TV that Dexter watches is borderline divorce worthy its really just a sidebar...I really want to talk about my shows.
I don't watch that much TV. I record shows but end up deleting them because I never get around to watching them anyway. However, I am a HUGE fan of Cake Boss. I think it appeals to my sugary side - HA! I keep a towel around to soak up my drool. All the cakes look so good, so good in fact that on a recent trip to NYC to visit my oldest sister, Leanne, we made a trip to Hoboken to get some cupcakes and lobster tails.
I still dream about those...ahhhhh. I have noticed that when I watch I want to make cupcakes, cookies and brownies (stuff out of a box) right away. So the question now is, do I watch it and torture myself more now that all carbs are off limits? Even thinking about it I want to go grab something sweet and delicious.
WAIT. I MUST STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I want sugar NOW!! I have to go.
I don't watch that much TV. I record shows but end up deleting them because I never get around to watching them anyway. However, I am a HUGE fan of Cake Boss. I think it appeals to my sugary side - HA! I keep a towel around to soak up my drool. All the cakes look so good, so good in fact that on a recent trip to NYC to visit my oldest sister, Leanne, we made a trip to Hoboken to get some cupcakes and lobster tails.
I still dream about those...ahhhhh. I have noticed that when I watch I want to make cupcakes, cookies and brownies (stuff out of a box) right away. So the question now is, do I watch it and torture myself more now that all carbs are off limits? Even thinking about it I want to go grab something sweet and delicious.
WAIT. I MUST STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I want sugar NOW!! I have to go.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Franken-food
Part of my altered food consumption pattern aka my diet requires I give up my sugar and cream in my coffee. I tried my "franken-food" coffee this morning for the first time and almost spit it out. It tasted like vomit. How can people drink that fake stuff?
Franken-food: food with ingredients that are man made and that you cannot pronounce.
I will give up my favorite foods, limit my carbs and not drink bottles of wine in one sitting. But for the sake of my family, I will not give up my coffee as God intended it to be drunk...with sugar and creamer.
Franken-food: food with ingredients that are man made and that you cannot pronounce.
I will give up my favorite foods, limit my carbs and not drink bottles of wine in one sitting. But for the sake of my family, I will not give up my coffee as God intended it to be drunk...with sugar and creamer.
Adjustments
The American Dream: A house with a fence, two kids and a dog. I'm not sure who came up with that, but I need to make a few adjustments.
A house with a fence AND a housekeeper.
Two kids AND a part time nanny.
A WELL TRAINED dog.
There, that sounds about right. I used to think that a house would solve on my problems. See, I used to live with my in-laws for two years, three months and seven days. So we got a house. Unfortunately the housekeeper wasn't included in the purchase. And when we left the hospital with kid #2, no nanny followed us home. Then we had the dog, but since I had to clean my house, watch the kids and everything else the training was sporatic.
My advice is to still dream, but to be realistic. My house isnt clean, but its home. My kids are crazy, but great. And the dog, well he has a new home with a professional dog trainer. Something had to give and I wasn't about to move back in with my in-laws!
A house with a fence AND a housekeeper.
Two kids AND a part time nanny.
A WELL TRAINED dog.
There, that sounds about right. I used to think that a house would solve on my problems. See, I used to live with my in-laws for two years, three months and seven days. So we got a house. Unfortunately the housekeeper wasn't included in the purchase. And when we left the hospital with kid #2, no nanny followed us home. Then we had the dog, but since I had to clean my house, watch the kids and everything else the training was sporatic.
My advice is to still dream, but to be realistic. My house isnt clean, but its home. My kids are crazy, but great. And the dog, well he has a new home with a professional dog trainer. Something had to give and I wasn't about to move back in with my in-laws!
Friday, March 18, 2011
The full moon and me
Its a full moon tonight. I love it when the moon is full. Its beautiful and my evening walk with the dog is more enjoyable somehow. But the real reason I like the full moon is because its the one day out of the month that I pawn off my grouchiness on something other than me.
Today I am especially grouchy because I gave up and decided it was time to alter my food intake. That's right...I'm dieting. No sugar for 3 weeks and very little carbs. Then I can gradually add some things back in, like fruit, but only in very small amounts. Half a cup to be exact. Do you realize how small half a cup is?!?!? REALLY, REALLY SMALL.
So basically, I'm starving and everyone has noticed. Flip was trying to get my attention today and I just couldn't focus. Coooooookies...cooooookies...chips...coookies..."MOM!" And then I'm suddenly snapped out of my carbohydrate revelry. And as my imaginary meal of sugar laden carbs evaporated so did my calm demeanor that I save for when I'm in public. "WHAT FLIP!?!?!"
His face drops and he slowly and insecurely brings around the page he colored for me from behind his back. I crushed him! I'm a horrible, horrible, hungry mother. Poor Flip. "Mom, I'm just trying to be nice to you."
Oh gosh, I'm about as sweet as a werewolf right now. Dexter even noticed my moodiness was more than normal for the end of a toddler filled day. Fitting into my jeans better be worth it. Dexter said I will look even better, but he is certain by the end of my 3 weeks we won't be on speaking terms so he isn't exactly sure why I bother.
Today I am especially grouchy because I gave up and decided it was time to alter my food intake. That's right...I'm dieting. No sugar for 3 weeks and very little carbs. Then I can gradually add some things back in, like fruit, but only in very small amounts. Half a cup to be exact. Do you realize how small half a cup is?!?!? REALLY, REALLY SMALL.
So basically, I'm starving and everyone has noticed. Flip was trying to get my attention today and I just couldn't focus. Coooooookies...cooooookies...chips...coookies..."MOM!" And then I'm suddenly snapped out of my carbohydrate revelry. And as my imaginary meal of sugar laden carbs evaporated so did my calm demeanor that I save for when I'm in public. "WHAT FLIP!?!?!"
His face drops and he slowly and insecurely brings around the page he colored for me from behind his back. I crushed him! I'm a horrible, horrible, hungry mother. Poor Flip. "Mom, I'm just trying to be nice to you."
Oh gosh, I'm about as sweet as a werewolf right now. Dexter even noticed my moodiness was more than normal for the end of a toddler filled day. Fitting into my jeans better be worth it. Dexter said I will look even better, but he is certain by the end of my 3 weeks we won't be on speaking terms so he isn't exactly sure why I bother.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Shoes
I'm contemplating the mind of a childrens shoe designer. How do they think? Do they think? Why did their parents hate them?
Did they get drunk and put together some ideas?
"Hey Joe I got one! Lets put wheels on the bottom of all these shoes!"
Or perhaps they were at the bottom of their class in design school.
"Lets do something bold and different...lets put Dora on every shoe!"
Either that or they are blind and working for the Dark Side.
"For each shoe, I will put non-stop blinking lights that will be visible from space!"
Then they have a party that every bad shoe designer is invited to. And they drink more before combining their designs. So all you see at the store in the kids isle are flashing, rolling Dora shoes that cost way too much.
Did they get drunk and put together some ideas?
"Hey Joe I got one! Lets put wheels on the bottom of all these shoes!"
Or perhaps they were at the bottom of their class in design school.
"Lets do something bold and different...lets put Dora on every shoe!"
Either that or they are blind and working for the Dark Side.
"For each shoe, I will put non-stop blinking lights that will be visible from space!"
Then they have a party that every bad shoe designer is invited to. And they drink more before combining their designs. So all you see at the store in the kids isle are flashing, rolling Dora shoes that cost way too much.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Boundaries
Boundaries are good. Everybody needs to set them, but it can take some time. For example, the never ending fence project going on in my yard right now...or should I say not going on right now.
The holes are dug, the posts are in, the concrete is set! But thats it! Everyday the fence team we hired says they will be here bright and early.
10 a.m. Nothing
11 a.m Nobody
12 p.m. Not a sound
They have the punctuality of the cable company! 3 o'clock rolls around and they show up smiling and cheerful. Maybe they just woke up. I would be cheerful if I got to sleep in. I did't say a single sarcatic comment, but believe me I was holding back. I certainly can't piss them off before the fence is done. So in order to make them speed up the process I leave Flip outside with them to play 20 Questions, over and over again. Then phase two of my plan: I attempt to do yard work while keeping Vivian in my sight.
Half an hour of me hollering for her to come back or not touch the hedge trimmer and those workers are in a flurry of activity. Wow, they worked fast. So the fence isn't done yet, but lets just say its going a little quicker. I guess they had pitty on me and saw my extreme need to contain my kids. How thoughtful.
The holes are dug, the posts are in, the concrete is set! But thats it! Everyday the fence team we hired says they will be here bright and early.
10 a.m. Nothing
11 a.m Nobody
12 p.m. Not a sound
They have the punctuality of the cable company! 3 o'clock rolls around and they show up smiling and cheerful. Maybe they just woke up. I would be cheerful if I got to sleep in. I did't say a single sarcatic comment, but believe me I was holding back. I certainly can't piss them off before the fence is done. So in order to make them speed up the process I leave Flip outside with them to play 20 Questions, over and over again. Then phase two of my plan: I attempt to do yard work while keeping Vivian in my sight.
Half an hour of me hollering for her to come back or not touch the hedge trimmer and those workers are in a flurry of activity. Wow, they worked fast. So the fence isn't done yet, but lets just say its going a little quicker. I guess they had pitty on me and saw my extreme need to contain my kids. How thoughtful.
I wish I could...
I was talking to my sister the other day and she commented on how groggy I sounded.
"Oh, I just got up from a nap," I said.
"I wish I could do that," she replies sarcastically.
"Do what? Wake up half a dozen times a night because your kids are sick and therfore need a nap the next day or nap like on a carefree Sunday afternoon?" I ask.
Non-parents can be so infuriating! Yes, I get to sleep till 7:30 or 8 every morning and then nap some afternoons, but only because I haven't slept 3 consecutive hours in over 5 years. Non-parents must really be looking forward to the days they can have the easy-breezy stay at home job instead of the difficult and energy draining desk job. You know, the one where you are surrounded by adults and have phone conversations, drink HOT coffee, and have an hour to eat lunch. Sure there is a bunch of shit, but with a desk job you don't have to smell it!
"Oh, I just got up from a nap," I said.
"I wish I could do that," she replies sarcastically.
"Do what? Wake up half a dozen times a night because your kids are sick and therfore need a nap the next day or nap like on a carefree Sunday afternoon?" I ask.
Non-parents can be so infuriating! Yes, I get to sleep till 7:30 or 8 every morning and then nap some afternoons, but only because I haven't slept 3 consecutive hours in over 5 years. Non-parents must really be looking forward to the days they can have the easy-breezy stay at home job instead of the difficult and energy draining desk job. You know, the one where you are surrounded by adults and have phone conversations, drink HOT coffee, and have an hour to eat lunch. Sure there is a bunch of shit, but with a desk job you don't have to smell it!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Advice: Part 8
Mimi, do you have a headache from practicing the last piece of advice I gave you? You can take all the Advil you want, but it wont ever go away - sorry. I'm also sorry because this next piece of advice will only make the headache worse...
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve or elbow while playing the "Mommy" tape from the previous lesson.
3. Do this every time you speak to an adult in person or attempt to make a phone call.
4. Once the conversation is over, you can turn off the tape (children only want to speak to you when you direct your attention elsewhere).
Now you are ready to have an adult conversation as a parent.
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve or elbow while playing the "Mommy" tape from the previous lesson.
3. Do this every time you speak to an adult in person or attempt to make a phone call.
4. Once the conversation is over, you can turn off the tape (children only want to speak to you when you direct your attention elsewhere).
Now you are ready to have an adult conversation as a parent.
Playing Outside
I looked out the window to see him so entranced with his toy...so focused on the task at hand. I smiled. Its wonderful weather and everyone is outside enjoying it. As I continue cleaning inside I continue to check on him - we have a huge yard, but I like to keep an eye out for him.
Minutes turn to hours and since the inside of the house was clean it was time for me to get outside too.
"Having fun?" I say.
"Yup!"
"Ready for a break?" I ask.
"No..."
So I sweep, clear my garden out and as the sun sets, he finally joins me on the patio to sit. Dexter has been playing very hard with his new chainsaw. We have so many trees and branches down now. Its far from lovely, but Dexter had a good day. We accomplished so much because the kids were at Grandma's, otherwise I never would have allowed Dexter to spend so much time playing with his new chainsaw. I always wondered where Flip got it from.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
Minutes turn to hours and since the inside of the house was clean it was time for me to get outside too.
"Having fun?" I say.
"Yup!"
"Ready for a break?" I ask.
"No..."
So I sweep, clear my garden out and as the sun sets, he finally joins me on the patio to sit. Dexter has been playing very hard with his new chainsaw. We have so many trees and branches down now. Its far from lovely, but Dexter had a good day. We accomplished so much because the kids were at Grandma's, otherwise I never would have allowed Dexter to spend so much time playing with his new chainsaw. I always wondered where Flip got it from.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Flood Gates are Open!
Up until a few days ago I really like my refrigerator. It has performed its job very well, and it even has one of those nifty ice and water dispensers. But now I am certain it was sent from the depths of Hell to torture me.
This is because it lacks a key feature to the nifty ice and water dispenser...a lock button! Vivian started bringing me FULL cups of water. At first I thought she was bringing me cups that Flip had left on the edge of the counter. But she didn't stop! I have a drawer with all the kid friendly plates, bowls and cups that Vivian can reach. So after the third cup (OK OK I was doing something on the computer so I just thanked her for bringing them to me and didn't really pay attention to what she was doing) I decided to follow her. Low and behold, she not only can she reach and open the drawer, she can reach the water dispenser!
So I observed as she stood in a pool of spilled water and filled up her forth cup. She saw me watching and immediately broke out into a huge grin - she was so proud of her accomplishment. I thanked her for the forth full cup of water. Then I looked high and low, behind, inside and above for the kid lock on the fridge. But its not there. It never was. My fridge is faulty, my floor is wet and Vivian has taken every container she can get her hands on and filled it with water.
Clearly the person who designed this fridge doesn't spend 14 + hours alone with just toddlers in the house. Clearly the person who designed this fridge has thought long and hard about everything except what really matters. I hold my fridge, its designer and all appliances with buttons, features, or gadgets that are within reach of toddlers with very, very low regard.
Seriously, do the appliance designers not realize that these items go in homes...homes where families live?!?!?
So if you are in need of a new appliance and have kids, make sure you take them to the store to test out potential purchases. If you don't have kids but plan on it, then you can borrow mine.
This is because it lacks a key feature to the nifty ice and water dispenser...a lock button! Vivian started bringing me FULL cups of water. At first I thought she was bringing me cups that Flip had left on the edge of the counter. But she didn't stop! I have a drawer with all the kid friendly plates, bowls and cups that Vivian can reach. So after the third cup (OK OK I was doing something on the computer so I just thanked her for bringing them to me and didn't really pay attention to what she was doing) I decided to follow her. Low and behold, she not only can she reach and open the drawer, she can reach the water dispenser!
So I observed as she stood in a pool of spilled water and filled up her forth cup. She saw me watching and immediately broke out into a huge grin - she was so proud of her accomplishment. I thanked her for the forth full cup of water. Then I looked high and low, behind, inside and above for the kid lock on the fridge. But its not there. It never was. My fridge is faulty, my floor is wet and Vivian has taken every container she can get her hands on and filled it with water.
Clearly the person who designed this fridge doesn't spend 14 + hours alone with just toddlers in the house. Clearly the person who designed this fridge has thought long and hard about everything except what really matters. I hold my fridge, its designer and all appliances with buttons, features, or gadgets that are within reach of toddlers with very, very low regard.
Seriously, do the appliance designers not realize that these items go in homes...homes where families live?!?!?
So if you are in need of a new appliance and have kids, make sure you take them to the store to test out potential purchases. If you don't have kids but plan on it, then you can borrow mine.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Advice: Part 7
Babies are so precious, cute and cuddly. They smile and sleep and sleep and smile. Its grand. For about 18 months you try your hardest to teach them to walk and talk. And then once the thrill and joy of seeing them accomplish this has worn off you spend the next 18 years trying to get them to sit down and be quiet.
With that in mind Mimi, now you need to attempt the next step in parenthood preparation. Its time to get a little serious. Kids often test their parents. I discovered early on I am not made of much. I crumble and cry right along with my little rascals. If you cannot fathom that then try this:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
3. Play this tape in your house, while you sleep, eat, shower, cook dinner, talk on the phone, watch TV and check emails for the next four years. (Important: one two-hour break is allowed daily to simulate nap time, but if the phone rings or the dog barks before the two-hour break is over then you must immediately start to play the tape again)
You are now ready to spend time with a toddler.
With that in mind Mimi, now you need to attempt the next step in parenthood preparation. Its time to get a little serious. Kids often test their parents. I discovered early on I am not made of much. I crumble and cry right along with my little rascals. If you cannot fathom that then try this:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
3. Play this tape in your house, while you sleep, eat, shower, cook dinner, talk on the phone, watch TV and check emails for the next four years. (Important: one two-hour break is allowed daily to simulate nap time, but if the phone rings or the dog barks before the two-hour break is over then you must immediately start to play the tape again)
You are now ready to spend time with a toddler.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Advice: Part 6
When Mimi pulled up to my house in her shiny BMW I was a little jealous. It is soooooo NICE! However, Mimi dearest, its time to say goodbye to all nice things you own. Its time to trade in the BMW while it still has some value...here are some tips for preparing parenthood and car ownership (you better just go get a used minivan):
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
New Moms
Recently my new-mom friends on Facebook have been posting pictures of their non-verbal, immobile children and the absolute bliss that bath time or feeding time is. All I gotta say is enjoy it while you can!
Because once those arms start working you will have food chucked across the room, on the dog and in your hair - at every meal. The kids will scream bloody murder if you don't let them feed themselves. So you have to allow it...either that or get ear plugs.
Then after every meal you will wrestle the messy, screaming child into the bath and attempt to wash them off. They will scream when you wash their hair, whine when the water is to cold and pitch an all out fit when you finally let the water drain because you are tired of them spilling cupful after cupful onto the floor...which you have to mop as soon as they nap - if they nap.
Enjoy it mommas because those first few months when all they do is smile and coo is made up with decades of non-cooperation.
Because once those arms start working you will have food chucked across the room, on the dog and in your hair - at every meal. The kids will scream bloody murder if you don't let them feed themselves. So you have to allow it...either that or get ear plugs.
Then after every meal you will wrestle the messy, screaming child into the bath and attempt to wash them off. They will scream when you wash their hair, whine when the water is to cold and pitch an all out fit when you finally let the water drain because you are tired of them spilling cupful after cupful onto the floor...which you have to mop as soon as they nap - if they nap.
Enjoy it mommas because those first few months when all they do is smile and coo is made up with decades of non-cooperation.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Toy Chest
Enter into Flip's world and you will find dragons and dinosaurs, cars, trucks and tractors, actions figures with swords and Barbies. He is all boy, believe me. He loves to play, in fact he cannot go for more than an hour at home without asking me to play. "Wanna play cars, momma?"
I just get so stinking bored of playing cars or dinosaurs that I added the Barbies - for Vivian. Okay okay I say I added them for Vivan because it just sounds weird that I added them for me. Vivian just tries to eat them she isn't quite at the Barbie stage.
So now that I'm being honest...play time is a lot more bearable. Its hard to imagine I am a car constantly racing and speeding - I'm a girl, I like pretty things. Now I get to play the "Ariel" Barbie. Flip assigned her to me because she has long red hair and I also have to play Vivian's character which is the super tan Barbie with long brown hair. Aunt Rere is the other brown haired Barbie that visits to give kisses and take pictures. And Dexter is often the the "Woody" doll from Toy Story.
We still have the cars that speed and need to get stopped by the policemen cars. We still have dinosaurs as pets and its just not playtime without a dragon attacking Ariel at least once. I'm not emasculating my son, I'm just finding ways to making "playing cars" a little more fun for me. Cause its all about ME!!
I just get so stinking bored of playing cars or dinosaurs that I added the Barbies - for Vivian. Okay okay I say I added them for Vivan because it just sounds weird that I added them for me. Vivian just tries to eat them she isn't quite at the Barbie stage.
So now that I'm being honest...play time is a lot more bearable. Its hard to imagine I am a car constantly racing and speeding - I'm a girl, I like pretty things. Now I get to play the "Ariel" Barbie. Flip assigned her to me because she has long red hair and I also have to play Vivian's character which is the super tan Barbie with long brown hair. Aunt Rere is the other brown haired Barbie that visits to give kisses and take pictures. And Dexter is often the the "Woody" doll from Toy Story.
We still have the cars that speed and need to get stopped by the policemen cars. We still have dinosaurs as pets and its just not playtime without a dragon attacking Ariel at least once. I'm not emasculating my son, I'm just finding ways to making "playing cars" a little more fun for me. Cause its all about ME!!
Advice: Part 5
My sisters and friends without kids wonder why I am always late. This is a combination of my inability to manage my time, a procrastination gene I inherited from my moms side, and the fact I have two kids. Dexter always laughs when he sees my calendar. "Really Vicki, you are going to the gym and a meeting at 10:30 tomorrow?" Ooops. And I don't remember a week growing up when I was on time to school every single day. It really has made a lasting impression.
And the last reason I'm always late is my kids. They are so sweet and cute and hard to get ready in the mornings. I have to allow 2 hours to get the three of us out the door without a fit pitched by any of us (yes, me included).
And Mimi asks me why? Well Mimi, try this and see if it answers your question.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
3. Once step 2 is complete spill milk, coffee or whatever you normally have for breakfast on it (and yourself) and then start all over.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
And the last reason I'm always late is my kids. They are so sweet and cute and hard to get ready in the mornings. I have to allow 2 hours to get the three of us out the door without a fit pitched by any of us (yes, me included).
And Mimi asks me why? Well Mimi, try this and see if it answers your question.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
3. Once step 2 is complete spill milk, coffee or whatever you normally have for breakfast on it (and yourself) and then start all over.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Advice: Part 4
Oh Mimi, you are really in for a suprise. I love the Pottery Barn layout you call home but its time to sell your nice stuff and replace it with a sofa from Goodwill (or else be prepared for the Goodwill appearance it will soon take on).
Kids are messy. In order to clean them up, something else must become messy. It is a circle of dirt, drool, snot, and half eaten food. Here is what you can do to prepare:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Kids are messy. In order to clean them up, something else must become messy. It is a circle of dirt, drool, snot, and half eaten food. Here is what you can do to prepare:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
You are what you eat
I'm sure I have blogged about this before but I'm too lazy to look back and see for sure. You are what you eat. A famous saying I feel confident all my readers know.
Well today all I have had are 2 cups of coffee and 5 brownies. So I am alert bordering hyper and gooey sweet. Feel free to talk to me today as I am in a relatively good mood.
Well today all I have had are 2 cups of coffee and 5 brownies. So I am alert bordering hyper and gooey sweet. Feel free to talk to me today as I am in a relatively good mood.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Bored
Gosh, I'm bored! Dexter is gone again doing soccer stuff and I am here watching the kids way past the 11th hour. I would go somewhere but I'd have to bring the kids. I would watch some TV or read a book, but the kids are here. They are bored too because they are asking to go to their grandparents house, but I'm pretty sure my in-laws are screening calls from me. Its Friday night and they don't feel like babysitting.
I have never paid for babysitting for my kids because so far my mom or in-laws will gladly do it. But I think its time to bite the bullet and start interviewing some kids cuz momma needs a few hours break from hearing "momma momma momma momma...wah wah wah...momma momma momma...wah wah wah..."
Any takers?
I have never paid for babysitting for my kids because so far my mom or in-laws will gladly do it. But I think its time to bite the bullet and start interviewing some kids cuz momma needs a few hours break from hearing "momma momma momma momma...wah wah wah...momma momma momma...wah wah wah..."
Any takers?
Advice: Part 3
One of the frustrating things about non-parents (oh, but there are so many) is their ability to hand out all kinds of parenting advice - ahem, my sisters, ahem...
Now I'm not naming names here. I'm just trying to give Mimi, some great advice, from a parent to a future parent:
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Now I'm not naming names here. I'm just trying to give Mimi, some great advice, from a parent to a future parent:
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Advice: Part 2
This advice is intended to counter all the pictures of moms that don't have dark circles under their eyes. Just because your infant has grown to a toddler doesn't mean you get good sleep. For example, last night I went to bed around midnight. I was awake to one of Vivian's violent coughing fits - she is sick AGAIN. That was around 1 or 2, then I was awake again to find the lost pacifier. Around 4, Flip comes in because he has had a bad dream. Finally Dexter's alarm starts going off at 6 and it continues to do so till about 7.
So Mimi, sleep while you can because you won't get 8 consecutive hours of sleep till your youngest child is 10 and then there is still no guarantee. To practice for motherhood do the following:
1. For the mom that goes back to work: get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
For the mom that stays home: hold wet bag all day, no breaks for showering and you must learn to use the bathroom and hold the bag without dropping it. (All meals to be eaten cold using one hand)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
So Mimi, sleep while you can because you won't get 8 consecutive hours of sleep till your youngest child is 10 and then there is still no guarantee. To practice for motherhood do the following:
1. For the mom that goes back to work: get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
For the mom that stays home: hold wet bag all day, no breaks for showering and you must learn to use the bathroom and hold the bag without dropping it. (All meals to be eaten cold using one hand)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Advice: Part 1
I got some great news over Christmas. My little sister, Mimi, told me she is expecting! This is actually bittersweet for me because Mimi was the only other outlet I had for venting. She is a great listener. However, now that she is expecting I shouldn't scare the crap out of her.
I was given some practical advice for first time parents and knew I had to pass it along. What kind of sister would I be if I didn't prepare her for what parenthood is really like? So Mimi, listen up...
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
More to come!
I was given some practical advice for first time parents and knew I had to pass it along. What kind of sister would I be if I didn't prepare her for what parenthood is really like? So Mimi, listen up...
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
More to come!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Playoffs Update
The Falcons lost! The Falcons lost! They lost in the first round of the playoffs! No more hours of watching every football game ever recorded this season!
I couldn't even stop smiling when I told Dexter I was sorry.
I couldn't even stop smiling when I told Dexter I was sorry.
FRIENDS 4EVER
It is really hard to make a good friend once you are out of school. It is even harder once you have settled down to the burbs and started popping out kids. At this point in my life I am supposed to be engrossed in my house, husband and children. Since I'm not into that 24/7 I want friends.
The problem is my old friends still party because they are either single or childless. So that never works out. Another issue is I live so far away from what cool people consider acceptable nightlife or visitable venues. That coupled with the fact I still have to wake up multiples times at night and then very early each morning makes the whole party till dawn very unappealing to me.
So I have to find mom-friends. Mom-friends know what its like on this side of the stirrups so they don't ask you to meet them at 11pm for drinks downtown. They want to meet at Chick fil A, where there is an indoor playground and a glass wall to separate you and the screaming kids within. It works great for about 10 minutes and then they come out to bug you in 45 second intervals, but those first 10 minutes make it worth it.
Or the playground, but the geniuses that designed all the playgrounds near me were surely men. I say this because they are all near the road and are not enclosed - nightmare for moms with more than one kid. But that rant is for another blog and another day.
Unfortunately all the mom friends I have met are not as fabulous as me. This makes it difficult to hang around them. Remember, I not some hick who started popping out babies cause I got knocked up - oh, wait, I am. But in my defense I am quasi intelligent and I hope to find mom-friends who want to discuss deeper matters than the latest Tupperware party.
I was really excited when I met one mom who had the potential to be a mom-friend. She was cool, young and a redhead (that's a plus because we are different therefore it adds another layer of bonding). She has a personality! We chat about real stuff! Are kids play for more than ten minutes before nagging us! Our husbands meet and are getting along! Do you know how hard this is?!?!? I hit the freakin JACKPOT! Not only do I like her, but our husbands and kids play well together too!
All I gotta say is FRIENDS 4EVER!
The problem is my old friends still party because they are either single or childless. So that never works out. Another issue is I live so far away from what cool people consider acceptable nightlife or visitable venues. That coupled with the fact I still have to wake up multiples times at night and then very early each morning makes the whole party till dawn very unappealing to me.
So I have to find mom-friends. Mom-friends know what its like on this side of the stirrups so they don't ask you to meet them at 11pm for drinks downtown. They want to meet at Chick fil A, where there is an indoor playground and a glass wall to separate you and the screaming kids within. It works great for about 10 minutes and then they come out to bug you in 45 second intervals, but those first 10 minutes make it worth it.
Or the playground, but the geniuses that designed all the playgrounds near me were surely men. I say this because they are all near the road and are not enclosed - nightmare for moms with more than one kid. But that rant is for another blog and another day.
Unfortunately all the mom friends I have met are not as fabulous as me. This makes it difficult to hang around them. Remember, I not some hick who started popping out babies cause I got knocked up - oh, wait, I am. But in my defense I am quasi intelligent and I hope to find mom-friends who want to discuss deeper matters than the latest Tupperware party.
I was really excited when I met one mom who had the potential to be a mom-friend. She was cool, young and a redhead (that's a plus because we are different therefore it adds another layer of bonding). She has a personality! We chat about real stuff! Are kids play for more than ten minutes before nagging us! Our husbands meet and are getting along! Do you know how hard this is?!?!? I hit the freakin JACKPOT! Not only do I like her, but our husbands and kids play well together too!
All I gotta say is FRIENDS 4EVER!
Friday, January 14, 2011
I'm fully aware that I am not rational
Knowing that I am not rational is not the first step to recovery, it is - I fear - a permanent state of mind for me. Those who know me well are aware that I have a tendency to hate inanimate objects. I think this stems from my inability to control actual living beings in my life. Since I cannot control my husband, my kids, my family and more often than not myself I direct that desire for control on inanimate objects. This involves, but is not limited to, baby and toddler shoes with laces, safety caps on bleach bottles, pens that are out of ink, my jeans that don't fit, and slices of cheese that do not separate easily.
Interestingly, I have noticed that in addition to this list I have started to hate situations. The three most prominent ones are the following (in no particular order): Dexter's second job, the fact that the Atlanta Falcons are in the playoffs, and extreme weather. To a normal (and balanced) person this things are no big deal.
Allow me to explain. You're probably thinking what woman wouldn't be grateful for the extra money that comes in from a second job? It just that Dexter's second job, coaching 2 soccer teams, means that he is never home. After work three nights a week he comes home just as I am putting the kiddos to bed. That means that I have really, really, really long days. Then he ends up coaching two games on Saturday (and sometimes on Sunday). The games are never close by because its a traveling league and the times are usually 9 am and 4pm. Apparently scheduling his games back to back is really difficult. So I am with my kids waaaaaaaay too much and I'm not sure they recognize their dad.
Next, the Falcons are in the playoffs. This wouldn't be so bad if Dexter didn't insist on watching every single game - at not just the games the Falcons are in, but EVERY single game in the playoffs. This wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that we never see him and when we do, he is inexplicably glued to the TV. Oh that reminds me, I hate the TV!!
Finally, I hate extreme weather. I don't live near the equator b/c its too hot. I don't live in Montana or Chicago because they have too much snow. I live in Atlanta where there is supposed to be 2 months of mild winter and the rest of the year is just right. This past week has been an exception to the rule. It snowed 6 inches and then froze over. The temperatures stayed below freezing and so the ice never melted. We were limited to our house or anywhere we could walk for 4 days since all the roads were impassable. 1700 sq ft is really small when you are stuck in it for so long.
Whats so funny and irrational is that the last thing I described allowed the kids and me to spend quality time with Dexter. I should have relished that time. Unfortunately I just don't think that way. Cabin fever + too many playoff games recorded + inappropriate clothes for playing the snow = not fun.
Sigh...
Interestingly, I have noticed that in addition to this list I have started to hate situations. The three most prominent ones are the following (in no particular order): Dexter's second job, the fact that the Atlanta Falcons are in the playoffs, and extreme weather. To a normal (and balanced) person this things are no big deal.
Allow me to explain. You're probably thinking what woman wouldn't be grateful for the extra money that comes in from a second job? It just that Dexter's second job, coaching 2 soccer teams, means that he is never home. After work three nights a week he comes home just as I am putting the kiddos to bed. That means that I have really, really, really long days. Then he ends up coaching two games on Saturday (and sometimes on Sunday). The games are never close by because its a traveling league and the times are usually 9 am and 4pm. Apparently scheduling his games back to back is really difficult. So I am with my kids waaaaaaaay too much and I'm not sure they recognize their dad.
Next, the Falcons are in the playoffs. This wouldn't be so bad if Dexter didn't insist on watching every single game - at not just the games the Falcons are in, but EVERY single game in the playoffs. This wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that we never see him and when we do, he is inexplicably glued to the TV. Oh that reminds me, I hate the TV!!
Finally, I hate extreme weather. I don't live near the equator b/c its too hot. I don't live in Montana or Chicago because they have too much snow. I live in Atlanta where there is supposed to be 2 months of mild winter and the rest of the year is just right. This past week has been an exception to the rule. It snowed 6 inches and then froze over. The temperatures stayed below freezing and so the ice never melted. We were limited to our house or anywhere we could walk for 4 days since all the roads were impassable. 1700 sq ft is really small when you are stuck in it for so long.
Whats so funny and irrational is that the last thing I described allowed the kids and me to spend quality time with Dexter. I should have relished that time. Unfortunately I just don't think that way. Cabin fever + too many playoff games recorded + inappropriate clothes for playing the snow = not fun.
Sigh...
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