While Spring is my favorite season, I think its the least favorite for every one else in my family. And I can sum it up with one word: BOOGERS! Their allergies are horrible. Even Vivian is on three types of allergy medicine everyday.
Flip looks as though he is crying all the time. His eyes just water up all day and I doubt its because he finally has grasped the sadness of the movie Bambi. And Dexter, well he reverts back to his childhood when he gets sick. Its infuriating really. I tell him I have two snotty kids to deal with so he shouldn't add to it. I did finally schedule a doctors appointment for him, but that is the extent of me mothering him.
Vivian sees me heading for the tissue box and starts running and crying. I really should invest in paper companies. Families with toddles keep those businesses in the black - kleenex, wipes, diapers, paper towels. We have money set aside every month for incidentals. Its sits in an envelope labeled "incidentals." Gosh, aren't I creative? I think I shall relabel it "paper products" either that or "Dexter's dry cleaning."
Sorry, I got off track. So she sees me go for the tissue and I chase her down and and wrestle her to submission. "BLOW!" She does, she also cries - loudly. This is why I wait till the green 11 is all the way down to her lips...its just such a hassle and I have been wiping noses for months now, so trust me it gets old. To get Vivian to stop crying I just say "BOOGERS!" The crocodile tears cease immediately and she happily inspects that glob of snot she just blew out.
Kids have an uncanny ability to amaze and irritate me simultaneously.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Spring stories
Spring is in the air! I love the Spring, the flowers, the birds, the weather. I don't know why, but I love to garden. I guess I come by it honestly since gardening has been the passtime for family members on both sides.
Yesterday as I was cleaning up the front flower bed and planting some things I looked over to see the differences in my two kids. Flip is taking rocks and trying to hit bummble bees as they fly by. I tried to warn him not to make insects with stingers mad...but I suppose he will have to learn that the hard way because the rocks kept wizzing through the air. Completely opposite of the destructive nature that all humans with the Y chromosone seem to prossess was sweet, little Vivian in her flowery dress. She stayed next to me jabbering away. She would throw dirt on the newly planted flowers - copying me - and then bend over to smell them.
It was too cute. Both my kids and yet two completely different people. Flip does take some interest in gardening when it comes time to water my plants. This is more about getting the dog, his sister and himself soaked than really giving the plants a good drink, but I do like it when he participates.
Yesterday as I was cleaning up the front flower bed and planting some things I looked over to see the differences in my two kids. Flip is taking rocks and trying to hit bummble bees as they fly by. I tried to warn him not to make insects with stingers mad...but I suppose he will have to learn that the hard way because the rocks kept wizzing through the air. Completely opposite of the destructive nature that all humans with the Y chromosone seem to prossess was sweet, little Vivian in her flowery dress. She stayed next to me jabbering away. She would throw dirt on the newly planted flowers - copying me - and then bend over to smell them.
It was too cute. Both my kids and yet two completely different people. Flip does take some interest in gardening when it comes time to water my plants. This is more about getting the dog, his sister and himself soaked than really giving the plants a good drink, but I do like it when he participates.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
To watch or not to watch
We have a DVR. Originally, Dexter approached me with the idea of getting one. His argument was that he could record his shows and watch them once the kids are in bed. It sounded just PERFECT! So we got the DVR for an extra $50/month. And Dexter did record shows to watch them later. But he also is watching a lot more since he can record shows simultaneously. While the amount of TV that Dexter watches is borderline divorce worthy its really just a sidebar...I really want to talk about my shows.
I don't watch that much TV. I record shows but end up deleting them because I never get around to watching them anyway. However, I am a HUGE fan of Cake Boss. I think it appeals to my sugary side - HA! I keep a towel around to soak up my drool. All the cakes look so good, so good in fact that on a recent trip to NYC to visit my oldest sister, Leanne, we made a trip to Hoboken to get some cupcakes and lobster tails.
I still dream about those...ahhhhh. I have noticed that when I watch I want to make cupcakes, cookies and brownies (stuff out of a box) right away. So the question now is, do I watch it and torture myself more now that all carbs are off limits? Even thinking about it I want to go grab something sweet and delicious.
WAIT. I MUST STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I want sugar NOW!! I have to go.
I don't watch that much TV. I record shows but end up deleting them because I never get around to watching them anyway. However, I am a HUGE fan of Cake Boss. I think it appeals to my sugary side - HA! I keep a towel around to soak up my drool. All the cakes look so good, so good in fact that on a recent trip to NYC to visit my oldest sister, Leanne, we made a trip to Hoboken to get some cupcakes and lobster tails.
I still dream about those...ahhhhh. I have noticed that when I watch I want to make cupcakes, cookies and brownies (stuff out of a box) right away. So the question now is, do I watch it and torture myself more now that all carbs are off limits? Even thinking about it I want to go grab something sweet and delicious.
WAIT. I MUST STOP DOING THIS TO MYSELF. I want sugar NOW!! I have to go.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Franken-food
Part of my altered food consumption pattern aka my diet requires I give up my sugar and cream in my coffee. I tried my "franken-food" coffee this morning for the first time and almost spit it out. It tasted like vomit. How can people drink that fake stuff?
Franken-food: food with ingredients that are man made and that you cannot pronounce.
I will give up my favorite foods, limit my carbs and not drink bottles of wine in one sitting. But for the sake of my family, I will not give up my coffee as God intended it to be drunk...with sugar and creamer.
Franken-food: food with ingredients that are man made and that you cannot pronounce.
I will give up my favorite foods, limit my carbs and not drink bottles of wine in one sitting. But for the sake of my family, I will not give up my coffee as God intended it to be drunk...with sugar and creamer.
Adjustments
The American Dream: A house with a fence, two kids and a dog. I'm not sure who came up with that, but I need to make a few adjustments.
A house with a fence AND a housekeeper.
Two kids AND a part time nanny.
A WELL TRAINED dog.
There, that sounds about right. I used to think that a house would solve on my problems. See, I used to live with my in-laws for two years, three months and seven days. So we got a house. Unfortunately the housekeeper wasn't included in the purchase. And when we left the hospital with kid #2, no nanny followed us home. Then we had the dog, but since I had to clean my house, watch the kids and everything else the training was sporatic.
My advice is to still dream, but to be realistic. My house isnt clean, but its home. My kids are crazy, but great. And the dog, well he has a new home with a professional dog trainer. Something had to give and I wasn't about to move back in with my in-laws!
A house with a fence AND a housekeeper.
Two kids AND a part time nanny.
A WELL TRAINED dog.
There, that sounds about right. I used to think that a house would solve on my problems. See, I used to live with my in-laws for two years, three months and seven days. So we got a house. Unfortunately the housekeeper wasn't included in the purchase. And when we left the hospital with kid #2, no nanny followed us home. Then we had the dog, but since I had to clean my house, watch the kids and everything else the training was sporatic.
My advice is to still dream, but to be realistic. My house isnt clean, but its home. My kids are crazy, but great. And the dog, well he has a new home with a professional dog trainer. Something had to give and I wasn't about to move back in with my in-laws!
Friday, March 18, 2011
The full moon and me
Its a full moon tonight. I love it when the moon is full. Its beautiful and my evening walk with the dog is more enjoyable somehow. But the real reason I like the full moon is because its the one day out of the month that I pawn off my grouchiness on something other than me.
Today I am especially grouchy because I gave up and decided it was time to alter my food intake. That's right...I'm dieting. No sugar for 3 weeks and very little carbs. Then I can gradually add some things back in, like fruit, but only in very small amounts. Half a cup to be exact. Do you realize how small half a cup is?!?!? REALLY, REALLY SMALL.
So basically, I'm starving and everyone has noticed. Flip was trying to get my attention today and I just couldn't focus. Coooooookies...cooooookies...chips...coookies..."MOM!" And then I'm suddenly snapped out of my carbohydrate revelry. And as my imaginary meal of sugar laden carbs evaporated so did my calm demeanor that I save for when I'm in public. "WHAT FLIP!?!?!"
His face drops and he slowly and insecurely brings around the page he colored for me from behind his back. I crushed him! I'm a horrible, horrible, hungry mother. Poor Flip. "Mom, I'm just trying to be nice to you."
Oh gosh, I'm about as sweet as a werewolf right now. Dexter even noticed my moodiness was more than normal for the end of a toddler filled day. Fitting into my jeans better be worth it. Dexter said I will look even better, but he is certain by the end of my 3 weeks we won't be on speaking terms so he isn't exactly sure why I bother.
Today I am especially grouchy because I gave up and decided it was time to alter my food intake. That's right...I'm dieting. No sugar for 3 weeks and very little carbs. Then I can gradually add some things back in, like fruit, but only in very small amounts. Half a cup to be exact. Do you realize how small half a cup is?!?!? REALLY, REALLY SMALL.
So basically, I'm starving and everyone has noticed. Flip was trying to get my attention today and I just couldn't focus. Coooooookies...cooooookies...chips...coookies..."MOM!" And then I'm suddenly snapped out of my carbohydrate revelry. And as my imaginary meal of sugar laden carbs evaporated so did my calm demeanor that I save for when I'm in public. "WHAT FLIP!?!?!"
His face drops and he slowly and insecurely brings around the page he colored for me from behind his back. I crushed him! I'm a horrible, horrible, hungry mother. Poor Flip. "Mom, I'm just trying to be nice to you."
Oh gosh, I'm about as sweet as a werewolf right now. Dexter even noticed my moodiness was more than normal for the end of a toddler filled day. Fitting into my jeans better be worth it. Dexter said I will look even better, but he is certain by the end of my 3 weeks we won't be on speaking terms so he isn't exactly sure why I bother.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Shoes
I'm contemplating the mind of a childrens shoe designer. How do they think? Do they think? Why did their parents hate them?
Did they get drunk and put together some ideas?
"Hey Joe I got one! Lets put wheels on the bottom of all these shoes!"
Or perhaps they were at the bottom of their class in design school.
"Lets do something bold and different...lets put Dora on every shoe!"
Either that or they are blind and working for the Dark Side.
"For each shoe, I will put non-stop blinking lights that will be visible from space!"
Then they have a party that every bad shoe designer is invited to. And they drink more before combining their designs. So all you see at the store in the kids isle are flashing, rolling Dora shoes that cost way too much.
Did they get drunk and put together some ideas?
"Hey Joe I got one! Lets put wheels on the bottom of all these shoes!"
Or perhaps they were at the bottom of their class in design school.
"Lets do something bold and different...lets put Dora on every shoe!"
Either that or they are blind and working for the Dark Side.
"For each shoe, I will put non-stop blinking lights that will be visible from space!"
Then they have a party that every bad shoe designer is invited to. And they drink more before combining their designs. So all you see at the store in the kids isle are flashing, rolling Dora shoes that cost way too much.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Boundaries
Boundaries are good. Everybody needs to set them, but it can take some time. For example, the never ending fence project going on in my yard right now...or should I say not going on right now.
The holes are dug, the posts are in, the concrete is set! But thats it! Everyday the fence team we hired says they will be here bright and early.
10 a.m. Nothing
11 a.m Nobody
12 p.m. Not a sound
They have the punctuality of the cable company! 3 o'clock rolls around and they show up smiling and cheerful. Maybe they just woke up. I would be cheerful if I got to sleep in. I did't say a single sarcatic comment, but believe me I was holding back. I certainly can't piss them off before the fence is done. So in order to make them speed up the process I leave Flip outside with them to play 20 Questions, over and over again. Then phase two of my plan: I attempt to do yard work while keeping Vivian in my sight.
Half an hour of me hollering for her to come back or not touch the hedge trimmer and those workers are in a flurry of activity. Wow, they worked fast. So the fence isn't done yet, but lets just say its going a little quicker. I guess they had pitty on me and saw my extreme need to contain my kids. How thoughtful.
The holes are dug, the posts are in, the concrete is set! But thats it! Everyday the fence team we hired says they will be here bright and early.
10 a.m. Nothing
11 a.m Nobody
12 p.m. Not a sound
They have the punctuality of the cable company! 3 o'clock rolls around and they show up smiling and cheerful. Maybe they just woke up. I would be cheerful if I got to sleep in. I did't say a single sarcatic comment, but believe me I was holding back. I certainly can't piss them off before the fence is done. So in order to make them speed up the process I leave Flip outside with them to play 20 Questions, over and over again. Then phase two of my plan: I attempt to do yard work while keeping Vivian in my sight.
Half an hour of me hollering for her to come back or not touch the hedge trimmer and those workers are in a flurry of activity. Wow, they worked fast. So the fence isn't done yet, but lets just say its going a little quicker. I guess they had pitty on me and saw my extreme need to contain my kids. How thoughtful.
I wish I could...
I was talking to my sister the other day and she commented on how groggy I sounded.
"Oh, I just got up from a nap," I said.
"I wish I could do that," she replies sarcastically.
"Do what? Wake up half a dozen times a night because your kids are sick and therfore need a nap the next day or nap like on a carefree Sunday afternoon?" I ask.
Non-parents can be so infuriating! Yes, I get to sleep till 7:30 or 8 every morning and then nap some afternoons, but only because I haven't slept 3 consecutive hours in over 5 years. Non-parents must really be looking forward to the days they can have the easy-breezy stay at home job instead of the difficult and energy draining desk job. You know, the one where you are surrounded by adults and have phone conversations, drink HOT coffee, and have an hour to eat lunch. Sure there is a bunch of shit, but with a desk job you don't have to smell it!
"Oh, I just got up from a nap," I said.
"I wish I could do that," she replies sarcastically.
"Do what? Wake up half a dozen times a night because your kids are sick and therfore need a nap the next day or nap like on a carefree Sunday afternoon?" I ask.
Non-parents can be so infuriating! Yes, I get to sleep till 7:30 or 8 every morning and then nap some afternoons, but only because I haven't slept 3 consecutive hours in over 5 years. Non-parents must really be looking forward to the days they can have the easy-breezy stay at home job instead of the difficult and energy draining desk job. You know, the one where you are surrounded by adults and have phone conversations, drink HOT coffee, and have an hour to eat lunch. Sure there is a bunch of shit, but with a desk job you don't have to smell it!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Advice: Part 8
Mimi, do you have a headache from practicing the last piece of advice I gave you? You can take all the Advil you want, but it wont ever go away - sorry. I'm also sorry because this next piece of advice will only make the headache worse...
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve or elbow while playing the "Mommy" tape from the previous lesson.
3. Do this every time you speak to an adult in person or attempt to make a phone call.
4. Once the conversation is over, you can turn off the tape (children only want to speak to you when you direct your attention elsewhere).
Now you are ready to have an adult conversation as a parent.
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve or elbow while playing the "Mommy" tape from the previous lesson.
3. Do this every time you speak to an adult in person or attempt to make a phone call.
4. Once the conversation is over, you can turn off the tape (children only want to speak to you when you direct your attention elsewhere).
Now you are ready to have an adult conversation as a parent.
Playing Outside
I looked out the window to see him so entranced with his toy...so focused on the task at hand. I smiled. Its wonderful weather and everyone is outside enjoying it. As I continue cleaning inside I continue to check on him - we have a huge yard, but I like to keep an eye out for him.
Minutes turn to hours and since the inside of the house was clean it was time for me to get outside too.
"Having fun?" I say.
"Yup!"
"Ready for a break?" I ask.
"No..."
So I sweep, clear my garden out and as the sun sets, he finally joins me on the patio to sit. Dexter has been playing very hard with his new chainsaw. We have so many trees and branches down now. Its far from lovely, but Dexter had a good day. We accomplished so much because the kids were at Grandma's, otherwise I never would have allowed Dexter to spend so much time playing with his new chainsaw. I always wondered where Flip got it from.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
Minutes turn to hours and since the inside of the house was clean it was time for me to get outside too.
"Having fun?" I say.
"Yup!"
"Ready for a break?" I ask.
"No..."
So I sweep, clear my garden out and as the sun sets, he finally joins me on the patio to sit. Dexter has been playing very hard with his new chainsaw. We have so many trees and branches down now. Its far from lovely, but Dexter had a good day. We accomplished so much because the kids were at Grandma's, otherwise I never would have allowed Dexter to spend so much time playing with his new chainsaw. I always wondered where Flip got it from.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
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