Recently Vivian has been wholeheartedly embracing her second year. And terrible doesn't seem an adequate adjective to describe this phase. I think that it should be called the Sucky Second Year, Traumatizing Two's, or my favorite Tube Tying Two's.
But the point is that nothing you do changes the two year old's behavior. NOTHING. So for a year you can go nuts by setting boundaries, spending the majority of your day waiting for the two year old to get out of time out or do what I do...try a new parenting technique.
It goes like this:
Tantrum begins for no apparent reason. You know for certain that you will snap because the crying is maddening. There are no breaks - just the breaking of your spirit and sanity. So before you do something crazy you need to change your approach. As you see the two year old gearing up for a tantrum say very quickly:
"OK sweetheart, I want you to scream very loudly while kicking and thrashing on the floor."
Tantrum begins and you have just had your two year old obey you. So now you can congratulate yourself for being the parent of an obedient two year old. Not many moms can say they have done this. Gone are the hours of self loathing for being unable to control your child.
Lets say you're at a restaurant (why the hell did you take your two year old to a restaurant?!?!?!) and the tantrum is eminent, so say loudly, "Be bad and throw your food. Kick and scream. Cry and yell." Now the non-breeders won't stare at you with disgust for leaving your house and subjecting them to your offspring. Oh no, they will see that you alone are able to have your child do exactly what you ask.
Its so liberating. You feel accomplished and full of joy...and a little insane, but that feeling never leaves you once you become a parent. My technique really does wonders for your brain and mood.
Are you going to try it?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
A conversation with my body...
Dear Body,
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The Offspring
It has come to my attention that some of you would like to see the kiddos. First, I must warn you they are cute. Because they are cute it makes my stories harder to believe. Don't let those sweet faces fool you, my kids are a bundle of trouble x 1010
I wish Vivian looked that his all the time, but in reality she has pulled her "tig tail" out, has snot constantly coming out her nose, and drool has soaked her clothing through. Add a little high pitched screaming and you have Vivian in her true state.
You have been warned...
 |
| Mr. "Oh, you're having a good day...I can fix that" Flip |
Notice the dog. She would like to leave since she is afraid of the miniature adults, but Flip has a good grip on her collar. Shortly after this picture was taken I released the dog.
This picture is really of a 5 year old. He looks pensive and mature, but there is a lot of boy behind that face!
 |
| Miss. "Why say it when you can scream it" Vivian |
She really does look like a sweetheart here, and she can be. Vivian just spaces the sweet moments far apart so she can get her daily screaming in.
So there you have it...my beloved, crazy children.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
New Obsession
PINTEREST! I love it. I think I'm going to marry it. Its fabulous, absolutely fabulous. Pinning is almost better than chocolate - almost.
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Midday Meltdown
To those non-parents that read my blog the Midday Meltdown phenomenon is an everyday occurrence in our household. Feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for me...oh yeah, and the kids too. Feel sorry for them because although I am a season mom, I lack the skills to see the warning signs.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
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