The Midday Meltdown

To those non-parents that read my blog the Midday Meltdown phenomenon is an everyday occurrence in our household.  Feel sorry for me.  I feel sorry for me...oh yeah, and the kids too.  Feel sorry for them because although I am a season mom, I lack the skills to see the warning signs.

The signs begin shortly after the children wake up.  The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in).  The child usually just wants to be snuggled.  I love those few, special, barely awake moments.  They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out. 

Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food.  If they are awake there will be trouble.  If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say.  If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy.  This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.

Phase two begins immediately after they eat.  Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks.  But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them.  Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.

Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"

Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And that delightfulness lasts all morning.  Then begins phase three.  Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed.  This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them.  At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers.  While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of.  For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall.  She was really proud of herself.  OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point.  But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER!  After that its just bad.  Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls.  One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet.  Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.

The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums.  This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00. 

Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here)  you will go to bed"

And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time.  This is when you can hear them wailing from the street.  Sometimes the neighbors come and check.  The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears.  I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on.  Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention. 
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again.  For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog.  If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO.  This quiet time is sacred.  The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep.  I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps.  However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.