Antisocial behavior

I run for many reasons - to get in shape, to get out of the house, to exercise the dogs, and for mental health.  I take my ipod and a large, intimidating dog on both sides.  That coupled with the fact that I'm RUNNING (a faster form of walking) just doesn't make me very approachable. But that doesn't stop folks...

OK, so one of the dogs is a Great Dane and attracts lots of attention but obviously I am running, not at the dog park.  "That dog is BIG," they say.  Or "Whoa, what kinda dog is that?"  "Its a Dane and yes, he bites."   Yes, I say my dogs bite, it keeps long talkers and weirdos at bay.

So yesterday as I was running two people tried to stop me to talk.  As I jog in place and only pull one ear phone out, they just keep chatting and just don't get it.  I really don't feel like stopping, but cant seem to find a way to convey that to anyone.

And Ipods are not just for listening to music, they are excellent tools that allow you to ignore someone without flat out being rude.  If I was in the mood to chit chat I would be walking and not have my Ipod on.

Alright, back to my story...I escape the talkers just to run past a house where a lady actually stands and watches while her little fluffy, dust mop dogs run through the yard and charge my dogs.  But this lady clearly doesn't realize that  her dogs will die if they attack my Lab and Dane.  So I have to stop running and prevent certain death for the dust mop dogs and wait for the lady to saunter down her driveway to get her dogs.  At this point I am annoyed beyond reason (there is always very little logical reason for my annoyance or anger) and I can only give her a look...if I speak I may make her cry.  ARGH!!

I start to run again, faster this time, making no eye contact and pondering the amount of idiocy in the world...

I am...I am not

I am a mom of two uber-cute kids.  I like being a mom and with hindsight I am glad I started so young--because these kids wear me out, wear me down and in general make me smile and drive me nuts at the same time all day long.  I am off the clock when they sleep...motherhood is not a full time job, its a lifestyle.

I am not a maid.

I am a wife to Dexter.  I love that guy...I really do; and that is as big of an accomplishment as motherhood in my opinion.

I am not a maid.

I am a teacher to my children.  There is so much that parents - not schools - should share with their children.  And it goes beyond colors, numbers and shapes.  Parents should really teach their kids not to suck and by that I mean behave...all the time. 

I am not a maid.

I am a dog trainer...an unsuccessful, angry dog trainer.  I have a lab mix (who is mine from college and is wonderful) and a great dane (who was picked out by my husband and is far from wonderful - the dog, not Dexter).

I am not a maid.

I am a broken record...and out of time, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.

Warning Schmarning

At the advice of my sister, I have taken the content warning off.  Apparently I'm a prude because I thought that some of the subject matter was a tad racy, but according to my saucy sister its just typical blog topics.  I really must not get out of the house much or perhaps its that I spend all my free time (ha) reading novels targeted at 6th graders.

But seriously, I wrote this incognito because I thought it would be just too much to share with others.  "What," you say..."You really didn't name your child Flip and are not married to a guy named Dexter?"  HELL NO!!!  Those are the stupidest names I have ever heard--they are the names my husband begged me to really name our first born.  He only won that battle in Vicki Bites Back world...better than nothing.

Sorry to keep you in suspense, I will not be revealing my true identity to my adoring fans (that generally consist of just my sisters, so really, whats the point).  You just have to keep wondering who could this sarcastic Vicki be?

Stickers

Stickers are really great when they can make your almost 4 year old behave. Its amazing really. They are also cute in scrapbooks and the perfect way to entertain your child in the checkout line at Kroger or the doctors office. However, they are a really STUPID way to advertise how many kids, dogs and cats you have.

I see them on almost every minivan I am stuck behind (and its seems to only be a hit with those who drive minivans) - the family stick figure portrait. I just want to scream "Thank you for telling me that you have had sex 3 times successfully and have a dog too! That's fantastic, really."

What a waste of money and time! They would have to go to the store, pick out the mom and dad - mom is a little on the heavy side from having all those kids so they had to search for the anatomically correct stick figure (i.e. make sure it has a belly and a bow - for heavens sake make sure it has a bow to distinguish it from Dad). And the mom needs to be taller, but the dad is the tallest and get the one with the dress for Mary and Josh needs a sideways baseball hat and baby Drew has the little squiggle of hair minus the bow...you get the point. So picture a lady at the store agonizing over which stick figure best represents her and her family...Puhlease!

And then the worst part is not that the lady actually buys all 6 stickers, but that she cleans her car window and puts her family on display for all to see and enjoy. But the thing is, no one (except other moms who have stick figure portraits) seems to think this is a wise use of money or car window space. That window is prime real estate that should ONLY be dedicated to school pride.

So if you are proud of your family, do something normal to show them off. Hire a photographer to take a nice REAL family portrait and put it on the wall in your house. Not only is this normal, its tasteful - something that seems to be beyond a select few minivan drivers.

Wii - Acronym for "Worst Initiated Idea"

This was my mother-in-law's (MIL) big Christmas gift. She actually said that she got it so she could spend more time with her boys. And since one son lives in Central America and the other is a 5 hour drive away at college it really means that she got it for Dexter to come over more. GREAT, PERFECT, What a fricking AWESOME idea!! At that moment I started to really hate her.

But then a thought crossed my mind, did Dexter actually convince her that she needed that? A few years ago the neighbor kid was over and Christmas was around the corner. Dexter actually convinced the kid to ask his own dad for a Wii. He got one and, surprise surprise, Dexter was over there all the time for about a month. With this in mind, I'm wondering who to direct my seething anger at...why not both?

So ever since Christmas, Dexter has found reason after reason to stop by his parents on the way home or go there on the weekend. He even went so far as to suggest I needed an fun night with just Flip and me. He took Vivian for the night while I took Flip to his favorite restaurant and then to a store that has half a dozen moon walks and slides. I called after about an hour and a half to check in and see if Vivian was doing OK...and guess where Dexter ended up going...his parents! SHOCKER!

So the moral of the story is if you want to see your husband dont get a Wii - Worst Initiated Idea (EVER)!

Whadyousay?

Translation: What did you say? That is what Flip says when he doesnt want to obey me. "Flip, go wash your hands." "Whadyousay?" "Flip, go pick up your cars." "Whadyousay?" "Flip, its time to take a bath." "Whadyousay?" And I know he heard me (its virtually impossible not to hear me, my voice operates on an extremely high decibel level).

Yeah, its adorable...the first 500 times, but after that its really annoying. And whats even worse is that Dexter has picked this up now. "Dexter, please take out the trash." "Whadyousay?" "Dexter, please clear the table for supper." "Whadyousay?" "Dexter, will you feed the dogs?" "Whadyousay?"

Growing up with 3 sisters never prepared me for a life with boys. You have to learn what I call "boy talk." Im still looking for an English-Boy talk dictionary. Because all I ever say falls on deaf ears, or I get the dreaded "whadyousay" response. I have however tried yelling some key phrases to get Flip or Dexter's attention before relaying important information. For example, when trying to get Flips attention I say something like this: "DINOSAUR! (wait for eye contact) Flip its time to get dressed for school." Another effective phrase is "RAIL ROAD CROSSING!" Its very important to make sure you wait for eye contact before you begin saying your message. And for Dexter the same rules apply, just use grown up words or football jargon such as "BLUE 52, HIKE!" or this one always works "BOOBS!" But its not something I like to shout in front of the kids or in public, so its rarely used.


***But ladies be careful, the silent treatment is not - I repeat NOT - useful. Boys and men actually enjoy it when we dont ask them questions or assign them tasks. It gives them uninterrupted football viewing time. So dont be fooled by the frowning.

FW:

I like you so much that I didnt forward you that best friends poem.
I like you so much that I didnt forward you how to get your dog and cat and bird to all live in harmony.
I like you so much that I didnt forward you the love chain letter.
I like you so much that I didnt ask you to sign petition to save the planet.
I like you so much that I didnt forward you 25 picture series of watermelon or pumkin carvings. I like you so much that I didnt send you all the ways a guy can piss off a girl whether married, single or dead.
I like you so much that I didnt ask you to forward any of these on to your 7 best friends.

So I guess that means your really hate me...

Letter to an Idiot

Dear Sir (yes I know for a fact its a man; explanation below),
You are an idiot. You are an idiot for designing baby outfits that are fastened with snaps. When was the last time you saw a baby? They squirm, constantly. Correction, they squirm all their waking hours. At night they are relatively docile and it should be easier to snap without wrestling their little legs down, but the thing is we moms must keep the lights off so they dont wake up thinking its morning. So by the time we have them snapped in, we realize one button was missed and we have to unsnap and start all over again. This is most annoying.

The reason I know you are a man is because you have designed something cute yet ridiculous, useless, and frustrating. No woman, especially a mom, would put snaps or buttons on anything. Zippers! Great invention, go check it out sometime.

Sincerely,
Mom on the search for footed fleece outfits with zippers.

All dolled up

You know if you are a parent that there is no point in getting out of the t shirt you slept in. It will just get barfed on. But there is another reason, its the fact that no one sees you anyway.

You arrive to a party with the kids in adorable outfits and they are whisked away by some aunt or grandparent while you seem to disappear into the backdrop. Yep, new moms are invisible. So why bother jiggling the baby on your knee while trying not to poke your eye out when applying mascara. No one will see the effort anyway.

Disgusting

Remember when we were in school and there was a word of the day? Well, Flip has decided that disgusting is the word of the winter...EVERYTHING is disgusting. Food, clothes, toys, fireplaces. "Flip how is your dinner?" "Disgusting!" "Flip put your clothes on." "No, they are disgusting!"

DISGUSTING DISGUSTING DISGUSTING DISGUSTING DISGUSTING!

At my sisters wedding we had to get him to smile for the pictures, and guess what word we replaced cheese with--DISGUSTING!

Im so sick of that word that I now punish him for over-usage. Its starting to work, but a disgustingly slow pace.

FFF

This was the 1st Christmas that I finally understood what I once saw on a cocktail napkin. Forced Family Fun. Thats what it seemed like anyway. I suppose that the days of enjoying yourself over the holidays are gone. Seriously, who wants to sit down on Thanksgiving Day? I would much rather prepare and cook and hold the baby on my hip for hours only to be interuppted by Flip begging me to play cars. Where is your FATHER? Why isnt he entertaining you while I cook for the masses? Oh, he is busy playing 4 square--yes, the game we played in elementary school. Silly me, of course he would send his son in to ask me to play, nobody likes potatoes for Thanksgiving dinner anyway.

And how boring would it be to actually sit through the entire meal that you slaved all day over? I would much rather be interrupted to change Vivians diaper or play cars with Flip (again). I dont even like to eat my meals hot--disgusting!

And so thats how it went...I cooked for the Father in Laws bday dinner while holding Vivian and playing cars. I baked bread and cookies for every get together and Christmas party while decorating the tree and the house - BY MYSELF!

Then there is the driving. Pack half the house in the car, get the kids strapped in, sit in traffic, arrive at destination, play with kids, change diapers, pack up car and head home. I do the same exact thing everyday at home except I just added in a lot of packing and unpacking and driving. FUN!

Add to that a very sick baby and a three year old who must test every boundary you set and you have yourself some FORCED FAMILY FUN.

Its times like this that I wish I was a man--but then I'd have to learn to walk with all that stuff hanging down in between my legs...so on second thought, nevermind.