Boobs

I thought I had stripper boobs the first time, but oh man, are these things huge. Most women would be thrilled have nice, full breast at least till they realize how incredibly painful they can be. Dexter liked to look at them, but that was all I allowed. They hurt so much I could barely manage a shirt with a shelf bra. Then there is Flip constantly elbowing me. I thought that they might explode. It looked like it too. So the boobs aren’t all that great. They hurt, you get stretch marks, they hurt, you cant find bras big enough, the hurt, you have to deflect water from the shower head, and did I mention they hurt. So the last thing on my mind is what fun the girls will be for Dexter. I usually dress in a separate room from him in fear that he might forget how incredibly painful they are and grab them. The thought makes my eyes tear up.
The doctor told me they would stop being so tender after my first trimester—more LIES. They still hurt; they are still growing, and are off limits to Dexter. Poor Dexter.
I gave up and got my maternity clothes out. But every shirt I tried on would not hold the girls in properly. CRAP! Its no fun shopping for ugly clothes that make you feel even fatter than you already are. Dexter was surprised when I came home a few days one week with shopping bags. What the hell was I supposed to wear, hmm? Besides I don’t pine after poorly made, overpriced maternity clothes. I just had to have something to fit my ever growing boobs and belly in. Then I had a wedding to go to so I had to buy a dress to fit into as well. Dexter actually asked me why I didn’t wear a dress I bought a few months ago…um, maybe because I cannot zip it up! Seriously, he has a degree…
So I have ugly clothes to go over my ugly bra that holds my aching breast that Dexter can’t touch. It just can’t get more fun than that!

Work all day, facebook all night

Dexter is the breadwinner in the family and is very good as his job. I am proud of him and appreciate his hard work. Now that I said that let me begin my daily rant.

Why is it that the first thing this man does when he gets home is start a game on the computer or sit in front of the TV. I don't care how rough his day was...he still got a break for lunch and spent its entirety speaking with adults--none of which he had to change their diaper because they pooped. I understand he may need some time to ponder or just be quiet, but that's what Atlanta traffic is for. He gets a good 45 minutes each way to himself.

I, on the other hand, am going non stop after Flip or the dogs. And believe me that is a full time job. So think of potty training, puppy training, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, the guy coming to fix the dryer, the phone ringing, the occasional important real estate call or email I need to answer. Then throw in a lot of crying (from Flip) and whining (from us both) on top of some morning sickness and you have a full day with not a moment to myself. When there is a toddler and a puppy in the house you have to watch both at ALL times. That gets old around 5 pm. Trust me.

They stop being bundles of joy as soon as the doctor sends you home from the hospital. Then it is just work, thankless, sleepless months and years of work and worry--till they move out. Man, I'm tired and Flip is not even three for another month. And I get to start all over again. YIPPEE.

Flip has gotten to the age where no one is more fun than Daddy. He talks about Daddy or asks when he is coming home ALL day long. Its very sweet and Dexter always gets the best welcome home from little Flip with jumping, hugs and kisses (actually the dogs to that too). So why is it then that he immediately heads for the computer?!?!?!

Flip wants his dad, I want to pee or shower alone, the dogs want to play and Dexter has to watch a show or check on his online mafia or his email or his facebook. Great. Wonderful. Just explain to little Flip why you must ignore him and look at that little screen. Please, is there ANYONE who can explain this stupidity to me? Why did we even get a DVR?????????

And so it begins...

After my third round of diarrhea I immediately go to my reference guide what to expect when youre expecting. And there is a little paragraph in there saying that while most women have nausea and vomiting there are a few who can add diarrhea to that delightful little list. Wow, Im a lucky woman, I get to experience it ALL. So when I had to run to the bathroom I never knew which way to approach the toilet—valuable seconds lost.

Now that Dexter and I live together he gets to see how fun the first trimester really can be. But the ever patient Dexter knows he must behave if he wants to keep his head. I bite heads off frequently when I’m about to start my period, so the excess hormones during pregnancy have the same effect for 40 long weeks. To be honest, I don’t remember being this irritable when I was pregnant with Flip -- maybe a little weepy, but not pissy. Poor Dexter.

As each day passed I became more exhausted and more nauseous. Dexter had to start feeding Flip breakfast and occasionally I told him to take him to his little school. I used to call my mom and tell her how proud of him I was. But now I realize that’s the minimum for what he should be doing since I’m going through a personal hell to bring his child into the world. He got me into this mess. Those were the days of few showers and little desire to even brush my teeth. Yuck, the thought of toothpaste still makes me gag. I had to change brands.

One day Dexter had the audacity to ask if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean. “Did you run it,” I ask sarcastically (my specialty). He actually thought while he was at work I left my bed for other things besides picking Ethan up or toilet time. If he wants a clean house he better start sweeping. It took him a few times to learn not to ask me.

This dragged on and I desperately hoped for my 12th week since that’s when the morning sickness started to subside during my first pregnancy. But even before I got to my 12th week the headaches started. What is this?!?! I didn’t have headaches with Flip. I thought all of your pregnancies would be similar—LIES.

The sympathy was running a little thin at my house. Dexter seemed to be spending less time with me. He even went to a bar one evening WITHOUT asking for permission first. Nothing makes me moodier than having to suffer in silence. I’m miserable and its all Dexter’s fault. He needs to listen to me moan and bitch while he massages my aching back. Needless to say that just didn’t happen. Well once, but it was a surprisingly short massage.

Now that I have another child on the way its time to really start potty training Flip. Dexter should help out. And he does, but not as much as I want him to. Because I reached my forth month and the nausea hasn’t subsided. That’s not right. And those headaches are leaving me more miserable than the nausea ever did. And Dexter doesn’t get it. He wants me to get out of bed! “Get out, shut the door, be quiet,” I said. There were a few weeks of giving instructions through my closed door. “Bathe Flip, make sure you brush his teeth, start the load of white laundry…”

Well, I'm crying a river over here because Dexter has to do more Daddy duties and clean the house.

Sick

There are many different ways pregnancy can be fun, but if you're sick you forget all about those potential good times. I'm not talking about morning sickness, I'm bitching today about the common cold. I have my third head cold since October. Flip, the bringer of all germs, runs around unaffected while I wallow in snot and self pity.

Doctors only allow us preggo gals to take certain types of meds to alleviate the symptoms of the common cold. The meds that are allowed just so happen to SUCK! If it was the first time then maybe I wouldn't be such a grouch, but its not, so I am.

I hope no one tells me how wonderful pregnancy is this week; I really feel like I might yell at them or hit them. So parents, please keep your sick kids at home so they don't get other kids sick--its your job. And unless you are offering me a box of kleenex or QUIET support, just leave me and my snot alone.

Round 2

As I said, Dexter and I were trying for our second child for 5 months. It happened so easily the first time that I was certain the week after we got off birth control I was pregnant. I was tired and had a headache. Oh no, I just had an iron deficiency, or so the nurse said after taking my blood. Crap! I already told a few people I thought I might be expecting. I hate looking like an idiot. During those months of trying, Dexter was certain there was something wrong with me—of course there is nothing wrong with his men, it must be my plumbing. So I visit the obgyn and she declares I’m fit as a fiddle and ready for another. I make sure to tell Dexter that he can visit his doctor next, for there will be no more investigating on my end. 5 months later Dexter and I go to his friends house and I’m just not feeling right. I actually have to leave early because of stomach problems.
As I drove home as quickly as I could to my toilet I started to count the days since my last period—OH! Dexter doesn’t want me to waste another test (I was using one every month since we started trying) and just wait a week. Yeah right, as soon as he left the next day I marched myself over to that toilet and got the stick out. It was there, the plus sign. I called Dexter and to tell him and I could hear the grin on his face as he was talking.
Dexter was a man! He did it! He impregnated his wife. Such a feat for the guys—you know that’s what they are all thinking--that they are true men because they aren’t shooting blanks. I was pretty excited too, but really because I had realized that I would have my next child in the middle of the summer, not the end of the summer. Now that’s something to smile about. Atlanta isn’t called Hotlanta for nothing. Who am I kidding; I’m comfortable walking around in a thin short sleeved shirt in February. I’m going to be miserable...ah, well whats new?

Amnesia

Amnesia is how GOD made it possible for a woman to get pregnant again. There is no way a woman in her right mind would willingly put herself through that if she remembered the entire encounter. I must admit, in October of 2008 I was suffering from it. Actually by the time we got pregnant with our second child we had been trying for 5 months. But the amnesia has mysteriously vanished and I’m left with the memory of my first and comparably easier pregnancy.

So I'm thinking that amnesia opened the door for stupidity too. A week before we find out I'm pregnant we get a new puppy (and we didn't take it back). I know one day I will come to love that dog...just NOT today. And lets not forget about little Flip, my almost three yr old. He isn't potty trained. These may seem like little things, but to an irritable pregnant woman, this is torture.

History

I was 23 when I peed on the little stick. I remember that night so well. I was working at my retail job, feeling just a bit off. So I called my fiance, Dexter, (now hubby) and said it would be a good idea to pick up a pregnancy test on his way over to my place. Now I know that he was cheering for joy on the inside while trying to maintain a calm demeanor. So I got home and went straight for the bathroom. As soon as my pee hit the little stick the color changed to show the blue plus sign. Whoa, wait…that cant be right. So I reread the directions again and again trying to see that they said the plus sign could mean “go on honey and get you a margarita—you’re in the clear.” I was to distraught to locate that page of the directions. The pregnancy test was a two pack, so I went to bed next to my grinning fiance and told myself that the test would show a blue minus sign in the morning or that missing page about getting the margarita would be found.

As it turns out, no pregnancy test kit comes with directions for a good margarita; which is exactly what I needed at the time. I was pregnant—very pregnant. I even had the obgyn retest me on my first appointment. They came to me with a knowing smile and confirmed for the third time I was indeed with child. To top that fun experience off, I decided to tell my very strict, overprotective parents that I was pregnant and not married. Joy!

I was in Las Vegas for my shotgun wedding when the morning sickness started. There is no better way to spend your honeymoon than puking—oh so sexy. But that was just the beginning. I went from working 40+ hours at my retail job to 20-25 for the next few months. If I made it to work I usually laid out in the back, close to the toilet. I took 2 ½ hour lunch breaks so I could nap and grew what I thought were the biggest boobs of my life. My sweet husband was working on the other side of Atlanta at the time and so I kept my apartment while he stayed at his parents’ house (another story entirely). So he never really saw how bad I got till one weekend when I came to his parents place and spent the entire time in bed, lifeless and pitiful. Y’all remember those days don’t ya?

By my 4^th month I was free of nausea and started eating like champ; which I continued until the last week or so of my pregnancy. Besides the ridiculous amount of weight gained and the 5 or 6 really bad weeks of morning sickness I had a pretty easy time the first go around. I was so doped up on my own hormones that I attempted a natural birth—HA! I finally got the epidural after 14 hrs of excruciating pain. If you had a natural birth then give yourself a little pat on the back, just think twice about bragging about it—nobody likes a showoff.

Flip joined us on April 17, 2006. He was a precious little baby who rarely cried. Dexter and I were thrilled. I survived and Dexter had the first player of his future soccer team. Flip is now a rambunctious little boy who is enthusiastically making up for those first few quiet months.

So whats the point

The point of this blog is I needed to get a few things off my chest. I'm a tad irritated with this whole pregnancy thing. Don't get me wrong, I got pregnant on purpose, but that doesn't mean its a walk in the park. I actually got the idea to blog about my experience during one of my countless sleepless nights. It was too late to call Mamma to whine so I started to surf the web. I was trying to find comfort from other women who didn't exactly enjoy this part of motherhood either. While looking online for a home remedy or new suggestion to get rid of some of the annoying side effects of pregnancy, the idea to write about it just kinda popped in my head.

It seems there are a lot of us out there...miserable and complaining. So I didn't want to be left out! No, really I wanted other pregnant and miserable women to have a blog to read at 4am when they cant sleep that just might make them laugh and feel somewhat better. Whether you are pregnant or not, I hope you enjoy my sarcastic rants. And if you don't--move on, because I really don't care. And if you had a wonderfully perfect pregnancy don't brag about it to me because I still really don't care.