Up until a few days ago I really like my refrigerator. It has performed its job very well, and it even has one of those nifty ice and water dispensers. But now I am certain it was sent from the depths of Hell to torture me.
This is because it lacks a key feature to the nifty ice and water dispenser...a lock button! Vivian started bringing me FULL cups of water. At first I thought she was bringing me cups that Flip had left on the edge of the counter. But she didn't stop! I have a drawer with all the kid friendly plates, bowls and cups that Vivian can reach. So after the third cup (OK OK I was doing something on the computer so I just thanked her for bringing them to me and didn't really pay attention to what she was doing) I decided to follow her. Low and behold, she not only can she reach and open the drawer, she can reach the water dispenser!
So I observed as she stood in a pool of spilled water and filled up her forth cup. She saw me watching and immediately broke out into a huge grin - she was so proud of her accomplishment. I thanked her for the forth full cup of water. Then I looked high and low, behind, inside and above for the kid lock on the fridge. But its not there. It never was. My fridge is faulty, my floor is wet and Vivian has taken every container she can get her hands on and filled it with water.
Clearly the person who designed this fridge doesn't spend 14 + hours alone with just toddlers in the house. Clearly the person who designed this fridge has thought long and hard about everything except what really matters. I hold my fridge, its designer and all appliances with buttons, features, or gadgets that are within reach of toddlers with very, very low regard.
Seriously, do the appliance designers not realize that these items go in homes...homes where families live?!?!?
So if you are in need of a new appliance and have kids, make sure you take them to the store to test out potential purchases. If you don't have kids but plan on it, then you can borrow mine.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Advice: Part 7
Babies are so precious, cute and cuddly. They smile and sleep and sleep and smile. Its grand. For about 18 months you try your hardest to teach them to walk and talk. And then once the thrill and joy of seeing them accomplish this has worn off you spend the next 18 years trying to get them to sit down and be quiet.
With that in mind Mimi, now you need to attempt the next step in parenthood preparation. Its time to get a little serious. Kids often test their parents. I discovered early on I am not made of much. I crumble and cry right along with my little rascals. If you cannot fathom that then try this:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
3. Play this tape in your house, while you sleep, eat, shower, cook dinner, talk on the phone, watch TV and check emails for the next four years. (Important: one two-hour break is allowed daily to simulate nap time, but if the phone rings or the dog barks before the two-hour break is over then you must immediately start to play the tape again)
You are now ready to spend time with a toddler.
With that in mind Mimi, now you need to attempt the next step in parenthood preparation. Its time to get a little serious. Kids often test their parents. I discovered early on I am not made of much. I crumble and cry right along with my little rascals. If you cannot fathom that then try this:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
3. Play this tape in your house, while you sleep, eat, shower, cook dinner, talk on the phone, watch TV and check emails for the next four years. (Important: one two-hour break is allowed daily to simulate nap time, but if the phone rings or the dog barks before the two-hour break is over then you must immediately start to play the tape again)
You are now ready to spend time with a toddler.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Advice: Part 6
When Mimi pulled up to my house in her shiny BMW I was a little jealous. It is soooooo NICE! However, Mimi dearest, its time to say goodbye to all nice things you own. Its time to trade in the BMW while it still has some value...here are some tips for preparing parenthood and car ownership (you better just go get a used minivan):
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
New Moms
Recently my new-mom friends on Facebook have been posting pictures of their non-verbal, immobile children and the absolute bliss that bath time or feeding time is. All I gotta say is enjoy it while you can!
Because once those arms start working you will have food chucked across the room, on the dog and in your hair - at every meal. The kids will scream bloody murder if you don't let them feed themselves. So you have to allow it...either that or get ear plugs.
Then after every meal you will wrestle the messy, screaming child into the bath and attempt to wash them off. They will scream when you wash their hair, whine when the water is to cold and pitch an all out fit when you finally let the water drain because you are tired of them spilling cupful after cupful onto the floor...which you have to mop as soon as they nap - if they nap.
Enjoy it mommas because those first few months when all they do is smile and coo is made up with decades of non-cooperation.
Because once those arms start working you will have food chucked across the room, on the dog and in your hair - at every meal. The kids will scream bloody murder if you don't let them feed themselves. So you have to allow it...either that or get ear plugs.
Then after every meal you will wrestle the messy, screaming child into the bath and attempt to wash them off. They will scream when you wash their hair, whine when the water is to cold and pitch an all out fit when you finally let the water drain because you are tired of them spilling cupful after cupful onto the floor...which you have to mop as soon as they nap - if they nap.
Enjoy it mommas because those first few months when all they do is smile and coo is made up with decades of non-cooperation.
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