i feel bad...again

As I wallow in my bed before forcing myself to get up for the day I ask myself "When will this end?" Unfortunately I know the answer...when I have the baby. I running out of humorous things to say because this isn't all that funny anymore. I'm just plain miserable.

Poor, sweet Dexter rubbed my feet the other day which was lovely. He has been doing the dishes too because around 7 pm I'm done for the day. He asked me yesterday if he could get me anything. I said "July." I think its starting to sink in for him that this isn't great for me.

I have started to contemplate having a c-section. I have no idea if my doctor with comply, but the thought of recovery on top of 9 (really folks its 10 months-40 wks) months of just feeling like crap is making me tear up right now.

My next project that I want to tackle is to figure out how to do a Jedi mind trick so I don't even have to convince Dexter that 2 kids is enough. He wants 4--no really he wants 12--but I originally agreed to 4. Its important to note that I agreed to 4 children before I ever got pregnant. Now that I know about pregnancy and motherhood, I really think that 2 is plenty. I haven't the slightest idea of how he will be happy with just 2 kids unless he comes up with it on his own...any suggestions?

feel the burn

Its 1:30 in the morning and I have had heartburn now for 4 hours. I looked online for some advice or natural remedy since my 4 Tums haven't made a dent yet. What I found just pisses me off. Most websites say not to eat spicy or fatty foods. It just so happens that I haven't...in 6 months without puking it up immediately. So today my diet consisted of 2 turkey sandwiches, a muffin, a bowl of cereal and half a banana. HOW does that give me heartburn?!?! I'm starving for some real food.

It all goes back to the hormones. I hate hormones, I really do. Apparently the hormones relax your stomach so much that the reflux is inevitable. So the bigger I get, the more heartburn will come. And the further along I get, the more I realize I never ever wish to experience the "joy" of pregnancy again. I still have 4 months of this to go through. All I have to say is this kid better be one awesome.

Dexter's company has a cleaning lady that is on her 11th (yes 11th) pregnancy. She drinks and smokes and says she never has been sick for one of hers--ever. Don't worry, she is giving the baby up for adoption, but come on...why does the gal with no regard for her unborn child get the easy way when I--someone who wants her child--have the most miserable consecutive 6 months I have ever experienced. Oh yeah, I forgot, life just aint fair.

I really hate everyone who is sleeping soundly tonight. Maybe I should wake Dexter up so he knows what I'm going through for him. That's a good idea, he hasn't heard me complain since a little before he went to bed.

Dont complain to me

Normally I am a pretty sympathetic person and can sit and listen to young and old alike while they talk about what is bothering them. I even pick up what Dexter calls a "lost puppy" every few years. For those that dont know, a lost puppy is an individual that is friendless, usually overweight and in general down about life. For lack of a better word, I collect lost puppies. And you know what they say when you feed a stray dog--it keeps coming back.

It just so happens that these lost puppies of mine are constantly complaining to me. Not that I dont care, but--no actually right now I dont care about anyone's step brother-in-law's drama or how you cant seem to loose weight because I cant make it to the gym with you like I used to before I barfed all the time.

Im sorry folks, my sympathy is currently all used up--ON ME! So dont come whining to me about your husband, your smoking habit, your job problems etc. I just dont feel like caring. And if you had listened to an inkling of what Im going through you would shut up and bring me some freakin chocolate.

Its not just the lost puppies that complain to me. My sisters (of all people) even whine about their monthly visit from mother nature. Wah, wah, wah! So they have cramps for a few days and maybe a headache. Seriously?!?! I dont want to hear about it. For the love of all things good, try and cheer me up--at least until July. When my hormones are back to normal then I promise to listen and pretend to care...

Every time you feel like like life has handed you a lemon then you need to come see me. I can convince just about anyone that any situation is better than a horrbile pregnancy...trust me.

I dont know you, so why are you touching my stomach?

There is one thing that I will never understand...if you dont know someone, then why on earth do you think its acceptable to touch their stomach? Anyone? You shake hands on a first meeting and then take a step away so that you are the customary 3 ft apart. Thats how I have always done it.

Apparently when you have a basketball belly people forget common courtesy and instead of shaking your hand or standing back just to say hello they go straight for the belly. I can always tell a belly rubber by the look in their eyes. I have even had someone at the grocery store walk out of her way to rub my stomach and ask me when I was due.

Its usually a two handed rub too. And frankly, it weirds me out. My boobs are so big now that there isnt much space between them and my stomach so you can see how this is worrisome. I have never been a touchy feely kind of person. Im not a hugger and I dont touch my friends' arm or back when I talk to them. Im just a straight forward, no nonsense hand shaker.

Its kind of like when you have a low cut shirt and guys cant help but stare, except this time the lookers actually touch you too. Guys do show some restraint in this area. I have only been given spontaneous, uninvited belly rubs by women I dont know. Guys I know, know me well enough to not touch me--or they ask. I mean, its not like this happens at any other time of my life. I have never been given a belly rub down while not pregnant. I just dont get it!

The moral of the story kids is very similar to the wise saying "dont talk to strangers," I just changed it a bit..."dont touch strangers--preggo gals included." And for heavens sake, if you cannot control yourself then at least ask if its ok. Its not like we can run away fast enough. I think the next time it happens, Im just going to rub their stomach in response (not matter what condition the person is in). I will definitely let you know the responses I get...

How are you feeling?

In the South when someone asks how you are feeling you are supposed to answer "good" or "fine." You see people don't really want to hear a rundown of your medications and symptoms, they just automatically ask. If you answer anything other than "good" or "fine" you usually get mock concern or the questioner rolls their eyes and then makes a mental note not to ask you the next time. You will find that once you get to a certain age the ability just to answer the expected "good" decreases. This used to annoy me some since old people would never stop talking about whats ails them.

Now that Im pregnant I can completely understand. There is nothing else on my mind except this baby. So what else can I talk about? I dont go out, shop, have wonderful vacations, my time with friends is limited to when I can simultaneously find a sitter for Flip and feel good enough to meet up. But I can talk all day about how good I DONT feel. I have a new found sympathy for old people.

Unfortunately my hormones make that sympathy short lived, since it is my hormones that make me feel so awful all the time anyway. My hormones also make me hate this question. How do I feel? AWFUL! My legs hurt, my back hurts, my boobs, stomache and head hurt. My organs are being shoved up into my rib cage and my bladder is barely in existence between my new baby and my pelvis. Do you really want to know all this?!?! But like a good Southern girl, I must simply respond "fine."

I was responding "better," but I got too many confused or blank looks. I mean its true, Im not puking (or the other) everyday. Oh look, the silver lining...

im pregnant, not broken

I was uber-excited when I got a referral from a friend. The real estate market has left me with too much time on my hands lately. I did all my research and had a great listing presentation ready. I show up, shake the guys hand and immediately he notices my baby bump. So naturally the conversation goes to when Im due. Then he asks, "Is this going to be a problem?"

WHAT?!?! A problem, for work? Um, NO. Im pregnant not broken or incapcitated. Geez. I know I bitch and compain a lot, but thats under an alter ego that not that many people see; in real life--especially work life--I'm capable, waddling Vicki.

I didnt realize I would be so insulted. Obviously the guy didnt understand that pregnant women can do stuff--its new mothers that cant. I can still live life, just with a few minor adjustments. For instance the AC is blasting much earlier than normal, I eat more often, nap if I need to and it takes me longer to take a flight of stairs. I am not impaired!! I am not broken!!

Not sure if I'm going to get the job now...not sure if its because I'm growing the next generation in my belly right now. He told me he would let me know. hmm. Maybe I dont want to list his condo anyway.

a short one

I was shopping for shirts to fit over my expanding belly and found one that said "you are my sunshine" written across the middle. I immediately put that one back on the rack. I was looking for the shirt that says "you make me sick." I never found it.

sleep

The last time I slept through the night consistently was before Flip was born. I have been napping ever since to make up for lost time. Even at 3 Flip still doesn’t sleep through the night. So he normally spends part or all of the night in our bed—I know some of y’all are cringing at that thought, but I didn’t ask you. On the nights that Flip starts out it his own bed, he comes to me around 4 am. And I think that is pretty good especially since I was told I shouldn’t expect to sleep well till all my kids are past the age of ten.
Then my genius husband and I agreed to get a puppy—really I just finally gave in to his request; which is also the reason I am pregnant again. I’m starting to see a troublesome pattern here. It just so happens that one week later I got the plus sign on the little stick.
So guess who is really not sleeping well now…ME! I am a light sleeper; if a pin drops in my house at night I hear it. Only my night time hearing is effective, during the day I’m practically deaf. We had to get a new mattress so I would feel Dexter’s tossing and turning at night (we got a king so he would stay on his side too). Now we add a whining puppy to the wakeful Flip, tossing Flip, morning (all day) sickness, and my suddenly small bladder.
It’s not like we pregnant ladies are tired—right. We can go on 2 or 3 hours of sleep like the good ole college days. At least that’s what my husband thinks. I had to tell him multiple times that the dog is his, so he better take him out. I gave in a few times and took him out since I was already up to pee, but I didn’t want Dexter getting the wrong idea so I stopped. Train ‘em early is what I say. Funny how my dogs are better behaved than my kid…
Dexter has always been a heavy sleeper. He needs 2, sometimes 3, alarms to wake him (I’m the third, kicking usually works). I have been trying to lay the ground rules that you set your alarm when you want to wake up, not an hour and a half before. He doesn’t seem to get it. And guess what, I wake up and kick him to turn the damn alarm off and Dexter merely rolls over. I think he and Flip should share a room till the baby is born.
I am born with an internal alarm. No matter how late I stay up or how many times I wake during the night I am up at the same time in the morning. I am going to start praying that along with patience for me that GOD give Dexter an internal alarm. Then I will take a baseball bat and break his alarm. I smile just picturing that.
Do y’all miss coffee like I do? Oh man, not drinking my morning cup has really messed with my routine. I am supplementing with caffeine free tea and it’s just not the same. I cheat some days and order a tall vanilla latte at Starbucks and it’s so good. There is nothing like restricting my caffeine when im dead tired. I think that those doctors just say that to piss us preggo girls off more. I’m not even going to get into the fact that I cannot drink my wine (for those of you that don’t know of this drink, it’s the one that men use to get women pregnant).
I cannot believe that it took a doctor this long to tell me this, but I go in for my month 5 prenatal check and I am scheduled with a male doctor (I am a prude so this is freaking me out a little). It was a normal check up until he asked a question I never heard uttered from any female doctors mouth. He asked if there was anything else bothering me. I quietly say that I still suffer from constant nausea, then timidly look into his face. Guess what is there—SIMPATHY! He feels badly for me that I have woken up every day for the last 4 months and either puked or felt like it. The female doctors would make some remark like “well, you’re pregnant, that’s to be expected.” But not this guy, he got his pen out and told me a little remedy that can ease some of that…vitamin B6 and one unisom taken in the morning and at night. That’s it? Why has no one bothered to tell me this till halfway through my second pregnancy, hmm? Oh wait, I just figured it out; I have been seeing female doctors up until this moment. They went through it so I guess I have to as well...HAHA, not anymore!
It does work. The point of this little side story is that now I take a unisom twice a day, so guess what. I’m so freaking TIRED. No good sleep, no coffee, the puppy, Fip and the never ending alarms. So you can only imagine how sweet I really am in the morning and really all day till Flip's and my naptime.

phone call

Dexter works a lot. He has to since I can't really. So that leaves me with Flip for most of the day and a few evenings during the week. He is a good man, but he still has to work on a few things.

Most of the time we play phone tag and on those days when he finally gets a hold of me its late and watching Flip makes for a very long day. He calls me tonight and Flip is making a ton of noise with a toy (which I discovered later was him permanently ruining my hardwood floors). Along with the noise is my hunger/hormones so Dexter says to me, as he is headed to play in his league soccer game, that its "difficult to talk to me." Wait, was that irritation?!?! Its almost 9pm, Flip is going downhill fast, the dogs are barking, Im hungry and in my usual horrible mood and he is irritated.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. He has got it all wrong. He is going to play--PLAY--as in for fun. And Im at home with insane-o child, the uncontrollable puppy, a headache that has been there all day (you know this list could go on for a lot longer). Well, forgive me for not answering the phone with a "good evening, my love." I cant hear and I certainly dont want a rundown of his day at that precise moment. HONESTLY what does he expect??!?!

I think dads need to stay at home at least 1 day a month to be reminded of the constant chaos. Then if they decide to call they will remember to just ask if there is anything the mom needs and to say they are coming home as fast as they can (since they remember that having an audience every time you pee gets old).

beauty

I hate it when someone says pregnant women are beautiful. Some certainly are, but no one believes it--at least while they are pregnant. People say it to make us preggo gals feel better about ourselves while we lug around all that extra weight.

I didnt shower sometimes for 3 days because I wasnt able to stand up with out getting sick (the last thing I needed was to have to clean the shower out). And since I was so sick I wasnt brushing my teeth either because my toothpaste made me gag. Try to find the beauty in that.

Then there is the surge of hormones that creates the "glow" for some, but for the rest of us (me included) its like we have the face of a 15 yr old boy. I had to go buy the specialty acne medicine so I could go out in public--if my stomach allowed it.

Lets see what else...oh, varicose veins. Thats another of my new experiences with this pregnancy. The vein bulges every time I move and it goes all the way up and down my leg. It frightens Dexter because it looks as though it will burst at any moment. And the doctor says there is nothing to do for it except wear support hose. Thats going to be fun in July.

And lets not forget stretch marks, swollen fingers and ankles, the mean manufacturers that make those hideous maternity clothes and last but not least--the whale look! And for your information NO pregnant woman ever wants to hear that her waddle is cute.

If you see a pregnant woman, give up your seat or the closest spot in the parking lot. And please be nice to her, especially now that you have an inkling of what we must go through.

friends

When I first got pregnant I was alone in the sense that none of my friends were starting families. Not many 23 years are these days. But now that some years have past a few friends have joined the mom club—three of them. Often they would come to me and ask questions or just to chat about the changes in the bodies or lives, but none of my three friends had difficult pregnancies. In fact, all of them said they loved being pregnant and can’t wait to do it again. BARF!
I posted a picture on facebook of my protruding belly and got lots of great compliments. My sisters know the difficult time I’m having with this pregnancy and so they offered consolation in the form of sarcasm (they know me so well). Such as “you’re glowing” or “I bet you are having so much fun.” The glowing part is true, that’s the oil slick on my face that my hormones continuously pump out, but in case you haven’t figured it out yet, the answer is NO, I’m not enjoying being pregnant.
So one of my friends that had a great pregnancy sees my picture on facebook, but also the comments about my struggle with nausea et al and says to me that despite my constant pain, sickness and fatigue I have great boobs. YES folks I’m busting out of my D bra and life is beautiful. I hope to stay pregnant my whole adult life so I can have great boobs.
Another friend of mine keeps telling me how wonderful her pregnancy was so she can’t offer any advice about morning sickness. NO, she doesn’t say it once, not even twice, but three times. Well I’m just thrilled for her that she never got sick. Incidentally, three is my cutoff for mistakes that I will accept from friends. I will not speak to her until my amnesia has kicked in again. And it’s a darn good thing she lives in another state.
Or what about the friends who aren’t parents yet and they still ask you to come out to clubs or bars? I guess its nice that they still invite me—right? WRONG, I don’t want to think about my lack of freedom; and I said before I don’t want to get started on not drinking**. Or my favorite is one of dexter’s good friends asking if we wanted to go skiing. Sure lets hop on a plane with the crazy 3 yr old, fly cross country and let dexter ski while I puke in the friend’s toilet and run after Flip in a non baby-proofed condo. Sounds great, lets go now. What the F*ck are guys thinking?
So basically im limiting my friendships (while pregnant) to girls who had as rough at time (or rougher) that me while carrying their little bundles of poop-making criers—I mean bundles of joy. So that means I get to talk to my mom...