Recently Vivian has been wholeheartedly embracing her second year. And terrible doesn't seem an adequate adjective to describe this phase. I think that it should be called the Sucky Second Year, Traumatizing Two's, or my favorite Tube Tying Two's.
But the point is that nothing you do changes the two year old's behavior. NOTHING. So for a year you can go nuts by setting boundaries, spending the majority of your day waiting for the two year old to get out of time out or do what I do...try a new parenting technique.
It goes like this:
Tantrum begins for no apparent reason. You know for certain that you will snap because the crying is maddening. There are no breaks - just the breaking of your spirit and sanity. So before you do something crazy you need to change your approach. As you see the two year old gearing up for a tantrum say very quickly:
"OK sweetheart, I want you to scream very loudly while kicking and thrashing on the floor."
Tantrum begins and you have just had your two year old obey you. So now you can congratulate yourself for being the parent of an obedient two year old. Not many moms can say they have done this. Gone are the hours of self loathing for being unable to control your child.
Lets say you're at a restaurant (why the hell did you take your two year old to a restaurant?!?!?!) and the tantrum is eminent, so say loudly, "Be bad and throw your food. Kick and scream. Cry and yell." Now the non-breeders won't stare at you with disgust for leaving your house and subjecting them to your offspring. Oh no, they will see that you alone are able to have your child do exactly what you ask.
Its so liberating. You feel accomplished and full of joy...and a little insane, but that feeling never leaves you once you become a parent. My technique really does wonders for your brain and mood.
Are you going to try it?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
A conversation with my body...
Dear Body,
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The Offspring
It has come to my attention that some of you would like to see the kiddos. First, I must warn you they are cute. Because they are cute it makes my stories harder to believe. Don't let those sweet faces fool you, my kids are a bundle of trouble x 1010
I wish Vivian looked that his all the time, but in reality she has pulled her "tig tail" out, has snot constantly coming out her nose, and drool has soaked her clothing through. Add a little high pitched screaming and you have Vivian in her true state.
You have been warned...
 |
| Mr. "Oh, you're having a good day...I can fix that" Flip |
Notice the dog. She would like to leave since she is afraid of the miniature adults, but Flip has a good grip on her collar. Shortly after this picture was taken I released the dog.
This picture is really of a 5 year old. He looks pensive and mature, but there is a lot of boy behind that face!
 |
| Miss. "Why say it when you can scream it" Vivian |
She really does look like a sweetheart here, and she can be. Vivian just spaces the sweet moments far apart so she can get her daily screaming in.
So there you have it...my beloved, crazy children.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
New Obsession
PINTEREST! I love it. I think I'm going to marry it. Its fabulous, absolutely fabulous. Pinning is almost better than chocolate - almost.
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Midday Meltdown
To those non-parents that read my blog the Midday Meltdown phenomenon is an everyday occurrence in our household. Feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for me...oh yeah, and the kids too. Feel sorry for them because although I am a season mom, I lack the skills to see the warning signs.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Summer Wedding
This July Dexter, Flip and I went to New Mexico to watch my oldest sister, Buffy, get hitched. Seriously, when you think weddings, don't you immediately think of New Mexico. Apparently my sister does...
We decided to leave Vivian with the in-laws because destination weddings aren't her thing. She probably would have had fun, but there was something about bringing a two year old on a three and half hour flight, two hour drive and then hanging out for three days on desert ranch that just didn't feel right.
Flip was ecstatic about his first plane ride. He wore his jeans and cowboy boots that we bought for the wedding and didn't let go of his dad's hand while we checked in and went through security. Of course, as soon as we got on the plane, Dexter found a seat by a quiet adult and snoozed the entire flight while I got to convince Flip to stay seated for three and a half hours. This is unnatural for a five year old therefore it was difficult for me. I did have my other sister, Bitsy, to help with what I call Operation Entertainment/Containment. We had books to read, stickers to stick, colors to color with, but somebody in our traveling party thought that candy was a good snack for an already overly energetic boy. So to be kind to all the passengers on board, I ate the candy. Flip would not have done well after access to all that candy. Of course Flip had lots of great kid questions:
Flip: Mom, are we flying higher than a dinosaur?
Me: Yes.
Flip: Are we close to heaven?
Me: I don't know.
Flip: Why not?
Me: Because I have never been there.
Flip: What happens if the wings break off?
Me: They won't break off.
Flip: How do you know that?
...and so it went all the way to Albuquerque. We were on the road after feeding the boys (Dexter was hungry after all that napping and Flip was hungry since I ate all the candy) and making a necessary stop at Wal Mart. We were informed by Buffy that the ranch was completely off the beaten path so we had to gather up supplies before heading into Billy the Kid country.
Once we arrive in Carrizozo (population 18, us included) Buffy meets us at the Rainbow Inn (I'm not kidding) and we crash. The next day we are up way too early since we were still on Eastern time, so we stumble over to a really great coffee shop which immediately became our favorite place. But once Buffy arrives and has had her cup of Joe, we are off the the ranch to clean up and set up.
A few days work by the Randerson sisters will make a desert ranch look like someplace you want to get married...at least we hope that was the case for Buffy. The wedding was lovely, the people were awesome and the wind made the desert feel more comfortable than Hotlanta. There are a few things we learned on our trip that I would like to share with you in case you are looking into a destination wedding in New Mexico:
1. There is a lot of dirt and sand in the desert.
2. Wild horses do NOT like watermelon, Doritos or your company.
3. If you don't like Mexican food, then you probably won't like the food in Carrizozo.
4. Watch out for poop and snakes.
We decided to leave Vivian with the in-laws because destination weddings aren't her thing. She probably would have had fun, but there was something about bringing a two year old on a three and half hour flight, two hour drive and then hanging out for three days on desert ranch that just didn't feel right.
Flip was ecstatic about his first plane ride. He wore his jeans and cowboy boots that we bought for the wedding and didn't let go of his dad's hand while we checked in and went through security. Of course, as soon as we got on the plane, Dexter found a seat by a quiet adult and snoozed the entire flight while I got to convince Flip to stay seated for three and a half hours. This is unnatural for a five year old therefore it was difficult for me. I did have my other sister, Bitsy, to help with what I call Operation Entertainment/Containment. We had books to read, stickers to stick, colors to color with, but somebody in our traveling party thought that candy was a good snack for an already overly energetic boy. So to be kind to all the passengers on board, I ate the candy. Flip would not have done well after access to all that candy. Of course Flip had lots of great kid questions:
Flip: Mom, are we flying higher than a dinosaur?
Me: Yes.
Flip: Are we close to heaven?
Me: I don't know.
Flip: Why not?
Me: Because I have never been there.
Flip: What happens if the wings break off?
Me: They won't break off.
Flip: How do you know that?
...and so it went all the way to Albuquerque. We were on the road after feeding the boys (Dexter was hungry after all that napping and Flip was hungry since I ate all the candy) and making a necessary stop at Wal Mart. We were informed by Buffy that the ranch was completely off the beaten path so we had to gather up supplies before heading into Billy the Kid country.
Once we arrive in Carrizozo (population 18, us included) Buffy meets us at the Rainbow Inn (I'm not kidding) and we crash. The next day we are up way too early since we were still on Eastern time, so we stumble over to a really great coffee shop which immediately became our favorite place. But once Buffy arrives and has had her cup of Joe, we are off the the ranch to clean up and set up. A few days work by the Randerson sisters will make a desert ranch look like someplace you want to get married...at least we hope that was the case for Buffy. The wedding was lovely, the people were awesome and the wind made the desert feel more comfortable than Hotlanta. There are a few things we learned on our trip that I would like to share with you in case you are looking into a destination wedding in New Mexico:
1. There is a lot of dirt and sand in the desert.
2. Wild horses do NOT like watermelon, Doritos or your company.
3. If you don't like Mexican food, then you probably won't like the food in Carrizozo.
4. Watch out for poop and snakes.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Fwimmin'
So we joined a neighborhood pool which was the best decision we have made in like a decade. Every other day the kids and I would swim for a few hours. It turns out that swimming will really wear them out. On the days that they swam bedtime came a lot sooner. The kids tan very well. They just think about the sun and their skin starts to bronze. This is not a trait they inherited from their pale, red headed mother. So by the middle of the summer they could go without sun screen, but I have to lather up with 50 SPF no matter what time of day or season we are in. This annoyed them a little to have to wait that whole extra 2 minutes while I got ready.
"Mom, Come on!"
I have NO idea where they learned to talk like that. Really I don't. Every time we went to the pool we would stock up on water toys, floaties and food. The toys were for the kids to fight over, the floaties were so the kids wouldn't drown and the food was to stick in their mouths when they started complaining. Really. But not really.
Flip is actually a good swimmer. Dexter has coaxed into diving enough that now he will show off to anyone who asks. He will dive down and get the little torpedo toys too. I think I will sign him up for the swim team next year.
Vivian was nervous at first, but once she figured out how fun it was she would jump in as soon as I released her. She would kick and use her little arms while announcing rather loudly, "I fwimming!" I know I am biased but she really is the cutest little girl.
I like my kids. I really do. But I am tired. The summer was fun, but it was non-stop entertaining them. That being said, I like my kids in school. I really do.
"Mom, Come on!"
I have NO idea where they learned to talk like that. Really I don't. Every time we went to the pool we would stock up on water toys, floaties and food. The toys were for the kids to fight over, the floaties were so the kids wouldn't drown and the food was to stick in their mouths when they started complaining. Really. But not really.
Flip is actually a good swimmer. Dexter has coaxed into diving enough that now he will show off to anyone who asks. He will dive down and get the little torpedo toys too. I think I will sign him up for the swim team next year.
Vivian was nervous at first, but once she figured out how fun it was she would jump in as soon as I released her. She would kick and use her little arms while announcing rather loudly, "I fwimming!" I know I am biased but she really is the cutest little girl.
I like my kids. I really do. But I am tired. The summer was fun, but it was non-stop entertaining them. That being said, I like my kids in school. I really do.
A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day
Do you remember that book? I do! Alexander really did have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Older siblings and kissing on TV can do that to a little boy, I suppose. Poor kid. I just so happened to have one of those days this week. Not older sibling problems or kissing on TV problems - REAL problems.
It started like any normal day...I was woken up before I really preferred to get up. I walked to the kitchen trying to shake off my morning stupor. Then I fixed the kids some breakfast, nagged them till they ate it then argued over outfits before I was able to get them dressed. Bur that's when the normalcy stopped...
I took the kids to school and left them there...so I was alone in the car...then I got home and donned my swimsuit...then I drove to pool...once I was situated on the lounge chair I read entire pages of my book without interruption...when I felt hungry I walked up to the poolside restaurant...I ordered my food and called Dexter to scare him. This is how it went:
Me: Dexter, guess what I'm doing (I honestly thought I could hear him typing in the our bank account website to see how much I had just spent and where)?
Dexter: Oh, no Vicki! What did you do? What did you buy? How much was it?
Me: I bought lunch.
Dexter: That's it? No therapy shopping?
Me: Nope, I just wanted to call and let you know I was at the pool, eating lunch.
I didn't mean to rub it in since he was in his dreary office on such a lovely day. OK, who am I kidding, I really did want to rub it in. I'm that kinda girl. After that thrilling conversation I left soaked up some more sun then left at my leisure. It was so nice.
So it wasn't really a bad day - well, it was for someone, just not me. Now that school is back in session, I finally get my vacation!
It started like any normal day...I was woken up before I really preferred to get up. I walked to the kitchen trying to shake off my morning stupor. Then I fixed the kids some breakfast, nagged them till they ate it then argued over outfits before I was able to get them dressed. Bur that's when the normalcy stopped...
I took the kids to school and left them there...so I was alone in the car...then I got home and donned my swimsuit...then I drove to pool...once I was situated on the lounge chair I read entire pages of my book without interruption...when I felt hungry I walked up to the poolside restaurant...I ordered my food and called Dexter to scare him. This is how it went:
Me: Dexter, guess what I'm doing (I honestly thought I could hear him typing in the our bank account website to see how much I had just spent and where)?
Dexter: Oh, no Vicki! What did you do? What did you buy? How much was it?
Me: I bought lunch.
Dexter: That's it? No therapy shopping?
Me: Nope, I just wanted to call and let you know I was at the pool, eating lunch.
I didn't mean to rub it in since he was in his dreary office on such a lovely day. OK, who am I kidding, I really did want to rub it in. I'm that kinda girl. After that thrilling conversation I left soaked up some more sun then left at my leisure. It was so nice.
So it wasn't really a bad day - well, it was for someone, just not me. Now that school is back in session, I finally get my vacation!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Party Pooper
"Hi my name is Vicki and I am a Pyramid Scheme Party Pooper."
"Hi Vicki."
"I like parties without agendas. I like parties with friends (and booze). I like parties with conversations not presentations. No, I don't like to bring my checkbook to parties - it won't fit in my sparkly evening bag. I don't want to see how this bowl will make my life better. I don't want to see how this creme will make my zits disappear. I don't want to see how this new fruit juice will make my day longer while seeming shorter and loose ten pounds in the process. NO NO NO! I want to feel comfortable, not obligated. And I would not like to "host" a "party." So please stop asking. And believe me, you won't make $1,000+ a month selling this way because a lot of other people feel the same way as me...they are also poor like me. Thank you."
"Thank you for sharing Vicki."
"Hi Vicki."
"I like parties without agendas. I like parties with friends (and booze). I like parties with conversations not presentations. No, I don't like to bring my checkbook to parties - it won't fit in my sparkly evening bag. I don't want to see how this bowl will make my life better. I don't want to see how this creme will make my zits disappear. I don't want to see how this new fruit juice will make my day longer while seeming shorter and loose ten pounds in the process. NO NO NO! I want to feel comfortable, not obligated. And I would not like to "host" a "party." So please stop asking. And believe me, you won't make $1,000+ a month selling this way because a lot of other people feel the same way as me...they are also poor like me. Thank you."
"Thank you for sharing Vicki."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tips for Traveling
When you have toddlers and plan to travel, you need to get some serious advice and a plan of action before heading out. Here is my advice to you...
DON'T. They won't remember. You will. They will cry. You will want to. They will not have fun. Neither will you. They won't make any new friends. You will make 253 new enemies by the end of your flight.
So before you spend tons of money on tickets, tons of energy on getting kids to sit and be quiet, tons of brain cells on the heavy drinking that is surely to follow, just go to the store, get a plastic kiddy pool and a ocean waves CD. They will think they are at the beach! Or get a stuffed Mickey Mouse toy and ride a city bus around, then take pictures in front of different things. There, instant Disney World!
You will have more fun and they kids seriously won't know the difference. It will also make for hilarious scrapbooking!
DON'T. They won't remember. You will. They will cry. You will want to. They will not have fun. Neither will you. They won't make any new friends. You will make 253 new enemies by the end of your flight.
So before you spend tons of money on tickets, tons of energy on getting kids to sit and be quiet, tons of brain cells on the heavy drinking that is surely to follow, just go to the store, get a plastic kiddy pool and a ocean waves CD. They will think they are at the beach! Or get a stuffed Mickey Mouse toy and ride a city bus around, then take pictures in front of different things. There, instant Disney World!
You will have more fun and they kids seriously won't know the difference. It will also make for hilarious scrapbooking!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Disturbing Trend
So I recently had to go shopping for some new shirts. After I had each kid my body was different. After I finally finished nursing my body was even more different. Basically, I have had to shop A LOT in the past few years. After loosing the last few pounds of baby weight (shut up, I am perfectly aware the Vivian is almost 2) I found myself in the closet crying on Sunday morning because I had nothing to wear. Dexter didn't believe me, so I tried on everything he suggested. Every outfit hung in places it shouldn't and clung in places that wasn't so flattering. So it wasn't a typical woman in the closet meltdown. It was real...sincere...annoying (especially for Dexter).
So off to the store I went. I shop in an odd way. I pick up everything I could possibly want and then as I head to the checkout I replace things on the rack as feelings of guilt from spending too much money overwhelm me. Then once I check out with 2 shirts instead of twenty I go home and leave them in the bag in case I need to return one more to sooth my still guilty conscious. Its a vicious cycle.
I did end up finding some shirts that I liked. Cute tops that I could throw a cardigan over to make them work appropriate. I was wearing one last night though and noticed how if I leaned over the slightest bit I was virtually giving a peep show. I got home and tried on another and moved around to simulate the normal movements I repeat all day (bending over picking up toys or mid-tantrum kids off the floor). The same result...too low cut. And I know its not me - my boobs didn't miraculously go back to their pre-motherhood position. This is a disturbing trend. I either have to wear the clothes that are too tight but not low cut or the correct fitting yet low cut variety. Its not really a win-win situation.
I guess I could take up sewing since I am a Little Miss Susie Homemaker and just mend them in my spare time!
So off to the store I went. I shop in an odd way. I pick up everything I could possibly want and then as I head to the checkout I replace things on the rack as feelings of guilt from spending too much money overwhelm me. Then once I check out with 2 shirts instead of twenty I go home and leave them in the bag in case I need to return one more to sooth my still guilty conscious. Its a vicious cycle.
I did end up finding some shirts that I liked. Cute tops that I could throw a cardigan over to make them work appropriate. I was wearing one last night though and noticed how if I leaned over the slightest bit I was virtually giving a peep show. I got home and tried on another and moved around to simulate the normal movements I repeat all day (bending over picking up toys or mid-tantrum kids off the floor). The same result...too low cut. And I know its not me - my boobs didn't miraculously go back to their pre-motherhood position. This is a disturbing trend. I either have to wear the clothes that are too tight but not low cut or the correct fitting yet low cut variety. Its not really a win-win situation.
I guess I could take up sewing since I am a Little Miss Susie Homemaker and just mend them in my spare time!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Call the Movers, We're Going on Vacation
Its summertime, well not yet, but close enough. I am sadly counting down the last days of school. But I have some stuff planned to keep me and the kids busy - because busy kids aren't bad kids and busy moms yell less! As I plan the weekends away and more extensive vacations I am a little daunted by the thought of all the packing. When you have two kids it literally seems as though we are packing up the house.
This past weekend I got a taste of packing for four. We decided to stay overnight at my dad's house so Dexter could be closer to the soccer fields he had games scheduled at the next morning. A win-win situation really, the kids got to see their grandfather and Dexter didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn for once.
The change of venue was great. The kids had fun, the pool was open and my dad had them help with some landscaping by digging holes in the ground. We were there for less than 24 hours, but my Honda Pilot was packed!
The dog and her food, the kids and their bags, diapers, wipes, 2 bikes, woofle balls and bats, shoes, swim suits, towels, water toys and noodles, play cars, a few dinosaurs, a Barbie, plastic pony, medicine, pacifiers, sippy cups, snacks for the hour drive, my bag, Dexter's bags and soccer gear (including cones) and a partridge in a pear tree. This took me a total of 3 hours to organize, pack and get in the car.
The amazing thing is it all fit. The great thing is while repacking before we left, it still fit (its hard to replicate the perfectly packed trunk). The crazy thing is thinking about packing for more than one night...I may need a bigger car.
This past weekend I got a taste of packing for four. We decided to stay overnight at my dad's house so Dexter could be closer to the soccer fields he had games scheduled at the next morning. A win-win situation really, the kids got to see their grandfather and Dexter didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn for once.
The change of venue was great. The kids had fun, the pool was open and my dad had them help with some landscaping by digging holes in the ground. We were there for less than 24 hours, but my Honda Pilot was packed!
The dog and her food, the kids and their bags, diapers, wipes, 2 bikes, woofle balls and bats, shoes, swim suits, towels, water toys and noodles, play cars, a few dinosaurs, a Barbie, plastic pony, medicine, pacifiers, sippy cups, snacks for the hour drive, my bag, Dexter's bags and soccer gear (including cones) and a partridge in a pear tree. This took me a total of 3 hours to organize, pack and get in the car.
The amazing thing is it all fit. The great thing is while repacking before we left, it still fit (its hard to replicate the perfectly packed trunk). The crazy thing is thinking about packing for more than one night...I may need a bigger car.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Daddy's Soccer Game
Dexter loves soccer. He was playing about the time he started walking. He coaches it and once a week the coaches team up and and play each other. Every week he asks us to come and every week I am in my right mind and make up an excuse.
But once a season, I say yes thinking that this time it will be different. This time the kids will watch the game on the sidelines. This time the kids will understand and not cry uncontrollably when I tell them that they cannot go onto the field to be with Daddy. This time they will not kick any soccer balls on the field so that they game must be stopped.
Yesterday's game was not this time. We went because we had hardly seen Dexter all week. As the soccer season approaches the end there are more practices, more games, more tournaments and less Dexter. So a cheer went up in the car as we headed to the fields instead of straight home after church.
Loaded up with snacks, drinks and a few toys we head to the field to go see Daddy play. That's when it went down hill. Vivian wanted to run around the parking lot and Flip already spotted Daddy. Neither would listen and come stay with me. Vivian got sand in her shoes and had to take them off, Flip brought his whistle and blew it in my ear the entire shoe removal process. The lines on the field were barely visible from a full weekend of games so Flip decided to cross it and every time he did the referee let me know. Vivian colored for a little bit before devouring her crayons and then crying because they were wet and unusable. She then cried more when she spilled her water on her pants. A few drops is enough for an all out melt down. Flip and Vivian found a few extra soccer balls and were certain the players needed more on the field, so they kicked them out towards the middle. Then they fussed and cried because I wouldn't let them retrieve the balls or go see Daddy.
Basically the fun night ended with me watching the kids who were outside the fenced in field literally on the ground crying for their dad. Sadly, none of us really had a chance to watch the game. As soon as the final whistle blew, I released the kids to their dad and headed to the car by myself.
This experience will stay fresh in my memory until the end of next season when I will try again...
But once a season, I say yes thinking that this time it will be different. This time the kids will watch the game on the sidelines. This time the kids will understand and not cry uncontrollably when I tell them that they cannot go onto the field to be with Daddy. This time they will not kick any soccer balls on the field so that they game must be stopped.
Yesterday's game was not this time. We went because we had hardly seen Dexter all week. As the soccer season approaches the end there are more practices, more games, more tournaments and less Dexter. So a cheer went up in the car as we headed to the fields instead of straight home after church.
Loaded up with snacks, drinks and a few toys we head to the field to go see Daddy play. That's when it went down hill. Vivian wanted to run around the parking lot and Flip already spotted Daddy. Neither would listen and come stay with me. Vivian got sand in her shoes and had to take them off, Flip brought his whistle and blew it in my ear the entire shoe removal process. The lines on the field were barely visible from a full weekend of games so Flip decided to cross it and every time he did the referee let me know. Vivian colored for a little bit before devouring her crayons and then crying because they were wet and unusable. She then cried more when she spilled her water on her pants. A few drops is enough for an all out melt down. Flip and Vivian found a few extra soccer balls and were certain the players needed more on the field, so they kicked them out towards the middle. Then they fussed and cried because I wouldn't let them retrieve the balls or go see Daddy.
Basically the fun night ended with me watching the kids who were outside the fenced in field literally on the ground crying for their dad. Sadly, none of us really had a chance to watch the game. As soon as the final whistle blew, I released the kids to their dad and headed to the car by myself.
This experience will stay fresh in my memory until the end of next season when I will try again...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monster Bowl
We have a cute little plastic plate and bowl set that the kids use all the time. It has a monster theme and the silly pictures are all over. The bowl has just one large picture on the bottom and every time Vivian picks out that bowl to use she points at the monster and says "Mama!"
I'm not certain if she is referring to our similar looks or more to a personality thing...
I'm not certain if she is referring to our similar looks or more to a personality thing...
The Royal Wedding
No, I didn't watch it. I have a life. No, scratch that. I have no life, I have kids. Who had time to watch the wedding? Moms of older kids, women who are not moms and men who wish they were women.
No, no, I was sleeping. Catching up on my rest before another marathon day with a toddler embracing her terrible twos and a five year old who is regressing back to them. They do everything together. Its sweet, really it is...I have to keep a constant stream of positive thoughts going in my head.
Another reason I did NOT watch it is because IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I WAS MEANT FOR WILLIAM AND ROYALTY AND TIARAS AND A NANNY FOR THE KIDS! ME ME ME (tantrum tactics learned from Vivian)!
Did you have time to watch it? Did you drink tea and wear a hat while you did?
No, no, I was sleeping. Catching up on my rest before another marathon day with a toddler embracing her terrible twos and a five year old who is regressing back to them. They do everything together. Its sweet, really it is...I have to keep a constant stream of positive thoughts going in my head.
Another reason I did NOT watch it is because IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME! I WAS MEANT FOR WILLIAM AND ROYALTY AND TIARAS AND A NANNY FOR THE KIDS! ME ME ME (tantrum tactics learned from Vivian)!
Did you have time to watch it? Did you drink tea and wear a hat while you did?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Out of the Mouths of Babes
I love my son's simplified view of the world. At five he has already discovered some truths that many adults have yet to realize. Recently Flip has been copying Vivian's rebellion that parents refer to as the Terrible Twos. Apparently Flip wants to revert back to the Dark Ages - that's how I remember his rebellion.
I was getting on to him again and he eventually surrendered in the form of the crumpled cry (where the child's limbs give out and then crumple to the ground while scrunching their face and emitting horrible sounds and copious amounts of tears). VICTORY! Its actually not my goal to reach this outcome, they both do it all on their own.
After he calms down Flip tells me, "Mom, I don't know why I do bad stuff, the world gives me bad stuff and I just do it." To which I respond, "Well, were do good things come from?" "From God and Jesus," he states. Wow! He is only 5 and he has figured out what took me years. But that's not it, he sums it up like this: "If you want good things and not bad things then you have to ask Jesus."
There you have it.
I was getting on to him again and he eventually surrendered in the form of the crumpled cry (where the child's limbs give out and then crumple to the ground while scrunching their face and emitting horrible sounds and copious amounts of tears). VICTORY! Its actually not my goal to reach this outcome, they both do it all on their own.
After he calms down Flip tells me, "Mom, I don't know why I do bad stuff, the world gives me bad stuff and I just do it." To which I respond, "Well, were do good things come from?" "From God and Jesus," he states. Wow! He is only 5 and he has figured out what took me years. But that's not it, he sums it up like this: "If you want good things and not bad things then you have to ask Jesus."
There you have it.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Small Talk and Other Things
If you love to talk then parenthood is an excellent pastime for you. If you like to be loud or perhaps making strange noises to get reactions is your specialty, then seriously, consider parenthood! Maybe you are forgetful so you often find yourself repeating information over and over again, if this is already your lifestyle then adding parenting to your list will be a breeze.
If your a slob then try parenthood. If you enjoy the illusion of control then parenthood may be right for you. If you are consistent and the idea of a 18-22 year long project sounds like your cup of tea, then I suggest having a child.
Now, if you are immature and easily angered don't try this at home! If you are selfish or have ADD, I suggest getting a pet first (start with a fish) before trying out for a kid. If you loose your temper a lot, then parenthood will only hone in that skill. If you are mild mannered and have a long fuse then you can say goodbye to that as soon as your kids start walking and talking. If you like to drink then nothing will really change once you have kids. If you enjoy peace and quiet then you're better off not bothering with kids.
If you are crazy, then you will have more than one child.
If your a slob then try parenthood. If you enjoy the illusion of control then parenthood may be right for you. If you are consistent and the idea of a 18-22 year long project sounds like your cup of tea, then I suggest having a child.
Now, if you are immature and easily angered don't try this at home! If you are selfish or have ADD, I suggest getting a pet first (start with a fish) before trying out for a kid. If you loose your temper a lot, then parenthood will only hone in that skill. If you are mild mannered and have a long fuse then you can say goodbye to that as soon as your kids start walking and talking. If you like to drink then nothing will really change once you have kids. If you enjoy peace and quiet then you're better off not bothering with kids.
If you are crazy, then you will have more than one child.
Monday, April 25, 2011
As seen on TV!
There are stories you hear and you think there is no way that really happened. Well this story may not be that fantastic, but it was certainly comical...
After an evening walk, Dexter let the dog off the leash and I went to water my garden. Flip went across the street to talk to a neighbor with Dexter and I thought Vivian had followed me. Of course, she didn't.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of movement. I turned to see Vivian climbing in her stroller as it is barrelling down the driveway - the brake had failed! I screamed and Dexter turned to see what was the matter. We both break out into a run to get her before she rolls into the street.
Before either of us can reach her the stroller slams into the mailbox. Saving her from rolling into the street was its final, noble act. Vivian cried but only because she was scared. I blamed Dexter for not paying more attention because that's my favorite thing to do. And the mailbox was retired - which is really the best part of the story. It was on my list of things to replace when we bought our house since it was hideous. A nice happy ending, don't you think?
After an evening walk, Dexter let the dog off the leash and I went to water my garden. Flip went across the street to talk to a neighbor with Dexter and I thought Vivian had followed me. Of course, she didn't.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of movement. I turned to see Vivian climbing in her stroller as it is barrelling down the driveway - the brake had failed! I screamed and Dexter turned to see what was the matter. We both break out into a run to get her before she rolls into the street.
Before either of us can reach her the stroller slams into the mailbox. Saving her from rolling into the street was its final, noble act. Vivian cried but only because she was scared. I blamed Dexter for not paying more attention because that's my favorite thing to do. And the mailbox was retired - which is really the best part of the story. It was on my list of things to replace when we bought our house since it was hideous. A nice happy ending, don't you think?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Car seat, Schmar seat
I was driving down the road fast because I had already dropped Flip off at preschool and realized I forgot something. I turn around and then I hear it...THE CRY. I know that cry because the sound has been burned into my memory. It is the siren that goes off before the flood gates open. And I know what is coming after it...VOMIT, lots of it.
Poor Vivian hardly touched her breakfast and now I know why. But knowing why isn't that satisfactory because I also knew I was going to be cleaning up barf. She did it for a good 45 seconds. And as I tried to control my gag reflex long enough to get home I wondered where it all came from since she didn't eat much that morning.
While I suppressed the urge to up-chuck myself, I got Vivian out and took her to the bath. She cried and cried. Poor kid, she must have felt horrible. After she was cleaned and dressed I went to the car. Gosh it reeked. I was saying lots of bad words about the inhumanly tight harness that secured the seat. I finally got the seat out and thinking the hard part was through was a little relieved.
Oh, but no the hard part was getting the cover off the car seat. Once again I discovered I had bought a baby item that was designed by someone who has never had a child or perhaps a man that paid little attention to his. The cover would not come off. I tried and tried, but it wouldn't stretch or give. I pried a little portion off the seat and saw why...it is sown on.
What kind of idiot doesn't foresee the need to remove and wash these things? SERIOUSLY! Eventually I gave up and got the scissors and cut the material away from the plastic backing. I bleached that sucker and hosed off the plastic part.
Vivian is fine now. In fact she bounced right back after a nap. I cant say the same for the car seat cover. I probably will have to sow on some snaps to fasten it back properly. What a great idea...snaps on baby items for easy removal. Works on Onsies and car seats!
I need to patten this...
Poor Vivian hardly touched her breakfast and now I know why. But knowing why isn't that satisfactory because I also knew I was going to be cleaning up barf. She did it for a good 45 seconds. And as I tried to control my gag reflex long enough to get home I wondered where it all came from since she didn't eat much that morning.
While I suppressed the urge to up-chuck myself, I got Vivian out and took her to the bath. She cried and cried. Poor kid, she must have felt horrible. After she was cleaned and dressed I went to the car. Gosh it reeked. I was saying lots of bad words about the inhumanly tight harness that secured the seat. I finally got the seat out and thinking the hard part was through was a little relieved.
Oh, but no the hard part was getting the cover off the car seat. Once again I discovered I had bought a baby item that was designed by someone who has never had a child or perhaps a man that paid little attention to his. The cover would not come off. I tried and tried, but it wouldn't stretch or give. I pried a little portion off the seat and saw why...it is sown on.
What kind of idiot doesn't foresee the need to remove and wash these things? SERIOUSLY! Eventually I gave up and got the scissors and cut the material away from the plastic backing. I bleached that sucker and hosed off the plastic part.
Vivian is fine now. In fact she bounced right back after a nap. I cant say the same for the car seat cover. I probably will have to sow on some snaps to fasten it back properly. What a great idea...snaps on baby items for easy removal. Works on Onsies and car seats!
I need to patten this...
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