I was talking to my sister the other day and she commented on how groggy I sounded.
"Oh, I just got up from a nap," I said.
"I wish I could do that," she replies sarcastically.
"Do what? Wake up half a dozen times a night because your kids are sick and therfore need a nap the next day or nap like on a carefree Sunday afternoon?" I ask.
Non-parents can be so infuriating! Yes, I get to sleep till 7:30 or 8 every morning and then nap some afternoons, but only because I haven't slept 3 consecutive hours in over 5 years. Non-parents must really be looking forward to the days they can have the easy-breezy stay at home job instead of the difficult and energy draining desk job. You know, the one where you are surrounded by adults and have phone conversations, drink HOT coffee, and have an hour to eat lunch. Sure there is a bunch of shit, but with a desk job you don't have to smell it!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Advice: Part 8
Mimi, do you have a headache from practicing the last piece of advice I gave you? You can take all the Advil you want, but it wont ever go away - sorry. I'm also sorry because this next piece of advice will only make the headache worse...
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve or elbow while playing the "Mommy" tape from the previous lesson.
3. Do this every time you speak to an adult in person or attempt to make a phone call.
4. Once the conversation is over, you can turn off the tape (children only want to speak to you when you direct your attention elsewhere).
Now you are ready to have an adult conversation as a parent.
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve or elbow while playing the "Mommy" tape from the previous lesson.
3. Do this every time you speak to an adult in person or attempt to make a phone call.
4. Once the conversation is over, you can turn off the tape (children only want to speak to you when you direct your attention elsewhere).
Now you are ready to have an adult conversation as a parent.
Playing Outside
I looked out the window to see him so entranced with his toy...so focused on the task at hand. I smiled. Its wonderful weather and everyone is outside enjoying it. As I continue cleaning inside I continue to check on him - we have a huge yard, but I like to keep an eye out for him.
Minutes turn to hours and since the inside of the house was clean it was time for me to get outside too.
"Having fun?" I say.
"Yup!"
"Ready for a break?" I ask.
"No..."
So I sweep, clear my garden out and as the sun sets, he finally joins me on the patio to sit. Dexter has been playing very hard with his new chainsaw. We have so many trees and branches down now. Its far from lovely, but Dexter had a good day. We accomplished so much because the kids were at Grandma's, otherwise I never would have allowed Dexter to spend so much time playing with his new chainsaw. I always wondered where Flip got it from.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
Minutes turn to hours and since the inside of the house was clean it was time for me to get outside too.
"Having fun?" I say.
"Yup!"
"Ready for a break?" I ask.
"No..."
So I sweep, clear my garden out and as the sun sets, he finally joins me on the patio to sit. Dexter has been playing very hard with his new chainsaw. We have so many trees and branches down now. Its far from lovely, but Dexter had a good day. We accomplished so much because the kids were at Grandma's, otherwise I never would have allowed Dexter to spend so much time playing with his new chainsaw. I always wondered where Flip got it from.
The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Flood Gates are Open!
Up until a few days ago I really like my refrigerator. It has performed its job very well, and it even has one of those nifty ice and water dispensers. But now I am certain it was sent from the depths of Hell to torture me.
This is because it lacks a key feature to the nifty ice and water dispenser...a lock button! Vivian started bringing me FULL cups of water. At first I thought she was bringing me cups that Flip had left on the edge of the counter. But she didn't stop! I have a drawer with all the kid friendly plates, bowls and cups that Vivian can reach. So after the third cup (OK OK I was doing something on the computer so I just thanked her for bringing them to me and didn't really pay attention to what she was doing) I decided to follow her. Low and behold, she not only can she reach and open the drawer, she can reach the water dispenser!
So I observed as she stood in a pool of spilled water and filled up her forth cup. She saw me watching and immediately broke out into a huge grin - she was so proud of her accomplishment. I thanked her for the forth full cup of water. Then I looked high and low, behind, inside and above for the kid lock on the fridge. But its not there. It never was. My fridge is faulty, my floor is wet and Vivian has taken every container she can get her hands on and filled it with water.
Clearly the person who designed this fridge doesn't spend 14 + hours alone with just toddlers in the house. Clearly the person who designed this fridge has thought long and hard about everything except what really matters. I hold my fridge, its designer and all appliances with buttons, features, or gadgets that are within reach of toddlers with very, very low regard.
Seriously, do the appliance designers not realize that these items go in homes...homes where families live?!?!?
So if you are in need of a new appliance and have kids, make sure you take them to the store to test out potential purchases. If you don't have kids but plan on it, then you can borrow mine.
This is because it lacks a key feature to the nifty ice and water dispenser...a lock button! Vivian started bringing me FULL cups of water. At first I thought she was bringing me cups that Flip had left on the edge of the counter. But she didn't stop! I have a drawer with all the kid friendly plates, bowls and cups that Vivian can reach. So after the third cup (OK OK I was doing something on the computer so I just thanked her for bringing them to me and didn't really pay attention to what she was doing) I decided to follow her. Low and behold, she not only can she reach and open the drawer, she can reach the water dispenser!
So I observed as she stood in a pool of spilled water and filled up her forth cup. She saw me watching and immediately broke out into a huge grin - she was so proud of her accomplishment. I thanked her for the forth full cup of water. Then I looked high and low, behind, inside and above for the kid lock on the fridge. But its not there. It never was. My fridge is faulty, my floor is wet and Vivian has taken every container she can get her hands on and filled it with water.
Clearly the person who designed this fridge doesn't spend 14 + hours alone with just toddlers in the house. Clearly the person who designed this fridge has thought long and hard about everything except what really matters. I hold my fridge, its designer and all appliances with buttons, features, or gadgets that are within reach of toddlers with very, very low regard.
Seriously, do the appliance designers not realize that these items go in homes...homes where families live?!?!?
So if you are in need of a new appliance and have kids, make sure you take them to the store to test out potential purchases. If you don't have kids but plan on it, then you can borrow mine.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Advice: Part 7
Babies are so precious, cute and cuddly. They smile and sleep and sleep and smile. Its grand. For about 18 months you try your hardest to teach them to walk and talk. And then once the thrill and joy of seeing them accomplish this has worn off you spend the next 18 years trying to get them to sit down and be quiet.
With that in mind Mimi, now you need to attempt the next step in parenthood preparation. Its time to get a little serious. Kids often test their parents. I discovered early on I am not made of much. I crumble and cry right along with my little rascals. If you cannot fathom that then try this:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
3. Play this tape in your house, while you sleep, eat, shower, cook dinner, talk on the phone, watch TV and check emails for the next four years. (Important: one two-hour break is allowed daily to simulate nap time, but if the phone rings or the dog barks before the two-hour break is over then you must immediately start to play the tape again)
You are now ready to spend time with a toddler.
With that in mind Mimi, now you need to attempt the next step in parenthood preparation. Its time to get a little serious. Kids often test their parents. I discovered early on I am not made of much. I crumble and cry right along with my little rascals. If you cannot fathom that then try this:
1. Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
3. Play this tape in your house, while you sleep, eat, shower, cook dinner, talk on the phone, watch TV and check emails for the next four years. (Important: one two-hour break is allowed daily to simulate nap time, but if the phone rings or the dog barks before the two-hour break is over then you must immediately start to play the tape again)
You are now ready to spend time with a toddler.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Advice: Part 6
When Mimi pulled up to my house in her shiny BMW I was a little jealous. It is soooooo NICE! However, Mimi dearest, its time to say goodbye to all nice things you own. Its time to trade in the BMW while it still has some value...here are some tips for preparing parenthood and car ownership (you better just go get a used minivan):
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
New Moms
Recently my new-mom friends on Facebook have been posting pictures of their non-verbal, immobile children and the absolute bliss that bath time or feeding time is. All I gotta say is enjoy it while you can!
Because once those arms start working you will have food chucked across the room, on the dog and in your hair - at every meal. The kids will scream bloody murder if you don't let them feed themselves. So you have to allow it...either that or get ear plugs.
Then after every meal you will wrestle the messy, screaming child into the bath and attempt to wash them off. They will scream when you wash their hair, whine when the water is to cold and pitch an all out fit when you finally let the water drain because you are tired of them spilling cupful after cupful onto the floor...which you have to mop as soon as they nap - if they nap.
Enjoy it mommas because those first few months when all they do is smile and coo is made up with decades of non-cooperation.
Because once those arms start working you will have food chucked across the room, on the dog and in your hair - at every meal. The kids will scream bloody murder if you don't let them feed themselves. So you have to allow it...either that or get ear plugs.
Then after every meal you will wrestle the messy, screaming child into the bath and attempt to wash them off. They will scream when you wash their hair, whine when the water is to cold and pitch an all out fit when you finally let the water drain because you are tired of them spilling cupful after cupful onto the floor...which you have to mop as soon as they nap - if they nap.
Enjoy it mommas because those first few months when all they do is smile and coo is made up with decades of non-cooperation.
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