Recently Vivian has been wholeheartedly embracing her second year. And terrible doesn't seem an adequate adjective to describe this phase. I think that it should be called the Sucky Second Year, Traumatizing Two's, or my favorite Tube Tying Two's.
But the point is that nothing you do changes the two year old's behavior. NOTHING. So for a year you can go nuts by setting boundaries, spending the majority of your day waiting for the two year old to get out of time out or do what I do...try a new parenting technique.
It goes like this:
Tantrum begins for no apparent reason. You know for certain that you will snap because the crying is maddening. There are no breaks - just the breaking of your spirit and sanity. So before you do something crazy you need to change your approach. As you see the two year old gearing up for a tantrum say very quickly:
"OK sweetheart, I want you to scream very loudly while kicking and thrashing on the floor."
Tantrum begins and you have just had your two year old obey you. So now you can congratulate yourself for being the parent of an obedient two year old. Not many moms can say they have done this. Gone are the hours of self loathing for being unable to control your child.
Lets say you're at a restaurant (why the hell did you take your two year old to a restaurant?!?!?!) and the tantrum is eminent, so say loudly, "Be bad and throw your food. Kick and scream. Cry and yell." Now the non-breeders won't stare at you with disgust for leaving your house and subjecting them to your offspring. Oh no, they will see that you alone are able to have your child do exactly what you ask.
Its so liberating. You feel accomplished and full of joy...and a little insane, but that feeling never leaves you once you become a parent. My technique really does wonders for your brain and mood.
Are you going to try it?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
A conversation with my body...
Dear Body,
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
I have been giving you lots of attention lately. Running, biking and weights. But this relationship is not going to work without a little communication. So please listen to me because I have a few things to say.
First, I need my boobs not to get any smaller. They are the one thing I would like the fat not to melt off of. Second, take all that fat-burning right to my muffin top or saddle bags. I don't like them...at all.
Quick recap: Boob fat = good. Any other fat = bad.
Next, I know we are approaching 30 but, seriously, no need to make me feel as though I have one foot in the grave. Wait, what? Whats that you say? Oh, I feel that way because of the children not because of something your not doing right. OK, that's fair.
Quick recap: Exhaustion due to children, not because of supposed reduction of body's capabilities.
Lastly, I'm not giving up chocolate. There is plenty of research out there that says its good for the body. What? Whats that you say? Oh, I didn't see the "in moderation" part. Was that in the fine print of the article? Hmm. If it was in the fine print it must not have been that important. Your request for less chocolate intake is alarmingly unfeminine and foreign idea to me, therefore it has been denied.
Quick recap: Chocolate makes you immortal.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The Offspring
It has come to my attention that some of you would like to see the kiddos. First, I must warn you they are cute. Because they are cute it makes my stories harder to believe. Don't let those sweet faces fool you, my kids are a bundle of trouble x 1010
I wish Vivian looked that his all the time, but in reality she has pulled her "tig tail" out, has snot constantly coming out her nose, and drool has soaked her clothing through. Add a little high pitched screaming and you have Vivian in her true state.
You have been warned...
 |
| Mr. "Oh, you're having a good day...I can fix that" Flip |
Notice the dog. She would like to leave since she is afraid of the miniature adults, but Flip has a good grip on her collar. Shortly after this picture was taken I released the dog.
This picture is really of a 5 year old. He looks pensive and mature, but there is a lot of boy behind that face!
 |
| Miss. "Why say it when you can scream it" Vivian |
She really does look like a sweetheart here, and she can be. Vivian just spaces the sweet moments far apart so she can get her daily screaming in.
So there you have it...my beloved, crazy children.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
New Obsession
PINTEREST! I love it. I think I'm going to marry it. Its fabulous, absolutely fabulous. Pinning is almost better than chocolate - almost.
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
At first I didn't see the draw to it. My sister, Buffy, insisted I sign up. Which I reluctantly did a few months later and now all I can think of are all the pins I have missed in these last few months. All those hours I have wasted washing clothes, dishes or my hair when I could have been productively pinning and filling my boards. WHAT A WASTE!
Now that I see the wisdom of hours of pinning I'm trying desperately to get my family to understand or at least accept my new obsession. I mean, seriously folks, this is LIFE CHANGING work I'm involved in. There are clothes that I will probably never wear, house ideas I will never be able to afford, and crafts I will never attempt. But I MUST pin it to my boards.
Vivian, that dirty diaper can wait...I'm pinning! Do you pinterest? Wanna follow each other!?!?!?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Midday Meltdown
To those non-parents that read my blog the Midday Meltdown phenomenon is an everyday occurrence in our household. Feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for me...oh yeah, and the kids too. Feel sorry for them because although I am a season mom, I lack the skills to see the warning signs.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
The signs begin shortly after the children wake up. The first few moments a child wakes up is pure bliss (with the exception of a sudden wake-up from falling off the bed or if the child's wake-up interferes with my sleeping in). The child usually just wants to be snuggled. I love those few, special, barely awake moments. They are almost as nice as when children are completely zonked out.
Generally, the first warning signs are consciousness, speaking and asking for food. If they are awake there will be trouble. If they are speaking it is highly likely they will scream the bad words that I wish they never heard me say. If they are asking for food then its just a matter of time until the body converts the food into energy. This is phase one of the Midday Meltdown.
Phase two begins immediately after they eat. Food provides energy, something that children already have way too much of, so I'm not certain why they need three square meals plus snacks. But they claim they are just starving, so I feed them. Once they have eaten then their mouths are freed up to start screaming, yelling and making general noise (repetitive, indistinguishable sounds learned from noise making toys that are currently low on batteries). When both kids are well rested, fed and near each other the fighting begins.
Flip:
"Mom, she hit me!"
"Mom, she won't share!"
Vivian:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that delightfulness lasts all morning. Then begins phase three. Phase three signs are a little more obvious, however, if you are doing something instead of giving your kids 100% of your attention then these signs are easily missed. This phase involves something that doesn't belong to them. At our house this is my makeup bag, the hose outside or permanent markers. While this stage is frustrating, it has a sort of sweet side...sort of. For instance, Vivian colored a picture for me...out of gold liquid eye shadow...on my wall. She was really proud of herself. OK, I admit, I was probably on the phone at that point. But in my defense, she KNOWS not to mess with the makeup, EVER! After that its just bad. Flip encourages Vivian to seek out my hidden makeup or marker stash to decorate my walls. One time he found loose change and taught Vivian to throw is down the toilet. Lots of time outs and ulimatums are given at this stage.
The fourth and final stage is when I begin enforcing my ultimatums. This is after lunch, but on really super awesome days this can happen as early 10:00 or 11:00.
Me:
"Flip if you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
"Vivian if you you don't stop (insert bad behavior here) you will go to bed"
And since this is the final stage you can probably guess that they don't stop the bad behavior of the moment and I eventually announce it is nap time. This is when you can hear them wailing from the street. Sometimes the neighbors come and check. The children are sprawled out on the ground in a pool of their own snot and tears. I pick them up one at a time...Vivian screams the whole way to her bed and grabs hold of any wall or doorway she can get a good grip on. Flip takes himself to bed, but stumbles, falls and runs into walls in a last ditch effort for my sympathy and attention.
For the next five to ten minutes they cry out that they are indeed changed children, promising to never be bad again. For new parents please read and believe right now...THIS IS A LIE! They eventually cry themselves to sleep and I get a whole hour or so to blog. If your wondering if I catch up on laundry or clean at this time the answer is NO. This quiet time is sacred. The ringer on the phone is off, the garage door is down and the dog has been given "the look" so she knows not to make a peep. I have to recharge in order to survive the next meltdown. They will start this cycle as soon as they wake up from their naps. However, the name simply changes to the Evening Meltdown.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Summer Wedding
This July Dexter, Flip and I went to New Mexico to watch my oldest sister, Buffy, get hitched. Seriously, when you think weddings, don't you immediately think of New Mexico. Apparently my sister does...
We decided to leave Vivian with the in-laws because destination weddings aren't her thing. She probably would have had fun, but there was something about bringing a two year old on a three and half hour flight, two hour drive and then hanging out for three days on desert ranch that just didn't feel right.
Flip was ecstatic about his first plane ride. He wore his jeans and cowboy boots that we bought for the wedding and didn't let go of his dad's hand while we checked in and went through security. Of course, as soon as we got on the plane, Dexter found a seat by a quiet adult and snoozed the entire flight while I got to convince Flip to stay seated for three and a half hours. This is unnatural for a five year old therefore it was difficult for me. I did have my other sister, Bitsy, to help with what I call Operation Entertainment/Containment. We had books to read, stickers to stick, colors to color with, but somebody in our traveling party thought that candy was a good snack for an already overly energetic boy. So to be kind to all the passengers on board, I ate the candy. Flip would not have done well after access to all that candy. Of course Flip had lots of great kid questions:
Flip: Mom, are we flying higher than a dinosaur?
Me: Yes.
Flip: Are we close to heaven?
Me: I don't know.
Flip: Why not?
Me: Because I have never been there.
Flip: What happens if the wings break off?
Me: They won't break off.
Flip: How do you know that?
...and so it went all the way to Albuquerque. We were on the road after feeding the boys (Dexter was hungry after all that napping and Flip was hungry since I ate all the candy) and making a necessary stop at Wal Mart. We were informed by Buffy that the ranch was completely off the beaten path so we had to gather up supplies before heading into Billy the Kid country.
Once we arrive in Carrizozo (population 18, us included) Buffy meets us at the Rainbow Inn (I'm not kidding) and we crash. The next day we are up way too early since we were still on Eastern time, so we stumble over to a really great coffee shop which immediately became our favorite place. But once Buffy arrives and has had her cup of Joe, we are off the the ranch to clean up and set up.
A few days work by the Randerson sisters will make a desert ranch look like someplace you want to get married...at least we hope that was the case for Buffy. The wedding was lovely, the people were awesome and the wind made the desert feel more comfortable than Hotlanta. There are a few things we learned on our trip that I would like to share with you in case you are looking into a destination wedding in New Mexico:
1. There is a lot of dirt and sand in the desert.
2. Wild horses do NOT like watermelon, Doritos or your company.
3. If you don't like Mexican food, then you probably won't like the food in Carrizozo.
4. Watch out for poop and snakes.
We decided to leave Vivian with the in-laws because destination weddings aren't her thing. She probably would have had fun, but there was something about bringing a two year old on a three and half hour flight, two hour drive and then hanging out for three days on desert ranch that just didn't feel right.
Flip was ecstatic about his first plane ride. He wore his jeans and cowboy boots that we bought for the wedding and didn't let go of his dad's hand while we checked in and went through security. Of course, as soon as we got on the plane, Dexter found a seat by a quiet adult and snoozed the entire flight while I got to convince Flip to stay seated for three and a half hours. This is unnatural for a five year old therefore it was difficult for me. I did have my other sister, Bitsy, to help with what I call Operation Entertainment/Containment. We had books to read, stickers to stick, colors to color with, but somebody in our traveling party thought that candy was a good snack for an already overly energetic boy. So to be kind to all the passengers on board, I ate the candy. Flip would not have done well after access to all that candy. Of course Flip had lots of great kid questions:
Flip: Mom, are we flying higher than a dinosaur?
Me: Yes.
Flip: Are we close to heaven?
Me: I don't know.
Flip: Why not?
Me: Because I have never been there.
Flip: What happens if the wings break off?
Me: They won't break off.
Flip: How do you know that?
...and so it went all the way to Albuquerque. We were on the road after feeding the boys (Dexter was hungry after all that napping and Flip was hungry since I ate all the candy) and making a necessary stop at Wal Mart. We were informed by Buffy that the ranch was completely off the beaten path so we had to gather up supplies before heading into Billy the Kid country.
Once we arrive in Carrizozo (population 18, us included) Buffy meets us at the Rainbow Inn (I'm not kidding) and we crash. The next day we are up way too early since we were still on Eastern time, so we stumble over to a really great coffee shop which immediately became our favorite place. But once Buffy arrives and has had her cup of Joe, we are off the the ranch to clean up and set up. A few days work by the Randerson sisters will make a desert ranch look like someplace you want to get married...at least we hope that was the case for Buffy. The wedding was lovely, the people were awesome and the wind made the desert feel more comfortable than Hotlanta. There are a few things we learned on our trip that I would like to share with you in case you are looking into a destination wedding in New Mexico:
1. There is a lot of dirt and sand in the desert.
2. Wild horses do NOT like watermelon, Doritos or your company.
3. If you don't like Mexican food, then you probably won't like the food in Carrizozo.
4. Watch out for poop and snakes.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Fwimmin'
So we joined a neighborhood pool which was the best decision we have made in like a decade. Every other day the kids and I would swim for a few hours. It turns out that swimming will really wear them out. On the days that they swam bedtime came a lot sooner. The kids tan very well. They just think about the sun and their skin starts to bronze. This is not a trait they inherited from their pale, red headed mother. So by the middle of the summer they could go without sun screen, but I have to lather up with 50 SPF no matter what time of day or season we are in. This annoyed them a little to have to wait that whole extra 2 minutes while I got ready.
"Mom, Come on!"
I have NO idea where they learned to talk like that. Really I don't. Every time we went to the pool we would stock up on water toys, floaties and food. The toys were for the kids to fight over, the floaties were so the kids wouldn't drown and the food was to stick in their mouths when they started complaining. Really. But not really.
Flip is actually a good swimmer. Dexter has coaxed into diving enough that now he will show off to anyone who asks. He will dive down and get the little torpedo toys too. I think I will sign him up for the swim team next year.
Vivian was nervous at first, but once she figured out how fun it was she would jump in as soon as I released her. She would kick and use her little arms while announcing rather loudly, "I fwimming!" I know I am biased but she really is the cutest little girl.
I like my kids. I really do. But I am tired. The summer was fun, but it was non-stop entertaining them. That being said, I like my kids in school. I really do.
"Mom, Come on!"
I have NO idea where they learned to talk like that. Really I don't. Every time we went to the pool we would stock up on water toys, floaties and food. The toys were for the kids to fight over, the floaties were so the kids wouldn't drown and the food was to stick in their mouths when they started complaining. Really. But not really.
Flip is actually a good swimmer. Dexter has coaxed into diving enough that now he will show off to anyone who asks. He will dive down and get the little torpedo toys too. I think I will sign him up for the swim team next year.
Vivian was nervous at first, but once she figured out how fun it was she would jump in as soon as I released her. She would kick and use her little arms while announcing rather loudly, "I fwimming!" I know I am biased but she really is the cutest little girl.
I like my kids. I really do. But I am tired. The summer was fun, but it was non-stop entertaining them. That being said, I like my kids in school. I really do.
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